My sister works as a secretary for a number of medical doctors. One is the father of 10 children. One night it was his turn to stay home and take care of the house and the kids while his wife got out to relax.
The doctor settled down in the living room to read his newspaper and magazines. There were kids running all around, up and down stairs and just having a grand time. Finally it got to be about 8PM and the doctor calls out with a loud voice, "OK, everybody upstairs and start getting ready for bed!"
There is heard this stampede of kids heading up the stairs as they were ordered. The doctor settles down in his chair with a bit more of peace and quiet. Only a few minutes pass when he hears the distinct foot fall of someone coming down the stairs. He hollers out, "I told you to get upstairs and to get ready for bed."
Next thing heard is the sound of feet running upstairs.
Once again, the doctor settles into his reading. Not two minutes pass but that he hears quite distinctly the steps of someone coming down the stairs. He gets up out of his chair and goes and stands at the bottom of the stairs. With hands on his hips I looks up at the child and says, "Didn't I tell you to get upstairs and get ready for bed?"
Sheepishly the child looks at the doctor and says, "But mister, I don't even live here!"
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One day another mom that homeschools and I were spending the day together. As the children were playing, we recounted various stories to one another and just enjoyed each other's company.
The subject came up of being frugal and not wasting food. Her face jumped to a story with obvious relevance to this topic, and my three-year-old and I listened intently.
"Angie," she said. "I was grilling hamburgers outside this past summer, and they were just done.... nice and juicy."
She has four children just like me, so I knew she was talking about at least eight hamburgers.
"As I was taking the meat off the grill, it slipped, and all the meat fell into the ashes!! I couldn't just throw them away! So I scooped those puppies up, brought them inside, carefully washed them off, and we ate them! They were just fine. In fact, they tasted great!"
As I was congratulating her on a job well done and a problem successfully overcome, I noticed the distressed look on my young daughter's face.
In total seriousness and quite earnestly she said, "No, we don't eat puppies!! No! We pet puppies!"
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A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of the application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read his application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
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He's Nobody's Fool!
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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Modern Lies
In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the "new" classics:
I never inhaled.
I never watch television except PBS.
I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
The engine is supposed to make that noise.
Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
You get this one and I'll pay next time.
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
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The Boudreauxs are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. Marie is behind the wheel.
Boudreaux suddenly looks across at her and speaks in his clear cajun voice. "Darlin'," he says. "I know we ben' married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
Marie Says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
Boudreaux speaks again. "I doan want you to try to tok me out of it," he says, "'cause ah ben havin' anaffair wit you best friend, Tu-tutt, an' she's a far betta' lover den you are."
Again Marie stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want duh house", he says insistently.
Up to 60...
"I want duh car too," he continues.
65 mph...
"An'," he says. "I'll have duh bank accounts, all duh credit cards an' duh boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This make him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her. "Isn't dere anyting' you want?"
Marie at last replies -- in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I' got everyting I need," she says.
"Really?" he inquires with a smile, "so what you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, Marie turns to him and smiles. " Duh airbag!"
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