Approval...who or what should i\we\us get it from?----r1

Hmmmm... a little background first......

I have a muscle disorder (myasthenia gravis). It gives me certain limitations. Walking, lifting...and the like. I need a wheel chair to go distances.....

Anyway, I've learned about approval by having this. Mainly about seeking sources of approval. Who approves us and how we get approval from others.

There is this ongoing situation between my dad, stepmom and step sister, both of whom I live an hour away from. I'm seeing that this is more of a blessing than I realize!

The ongoing situation is this. I have limitations and can't do certain things right now, like walk a long ways, drive, or go to work. (Well the work thing I can do, but I'm in school now. there are ways to work..but anyway...) They fail to mentally grasp that I have limitations. Because of their failure to grasp my limitations, they give me endless supplies of crap. Like if I just tried harder my abilities would some how come back. (by the way i do exercise..bla bla)

I can't drive, so I can't really get out alot. Now they see this and think I stay home and with my parents because I like it that way! In their minds I like being couped up! I delight in it, like a child delights in ice cream! At least in their minds. Since they view me this way, they give me tons of Dr. Phil like, toughness. Now if I was able bodied, and was this way, I'd totally deserve it!

On top of it, I'm still in college, trying to learn something, so I can get a job someday. They see my current lack of employment, my current inabality to go out alot and conclude that I'm just lazy and like it this way. *shrug* And ya know what!? IT BUGS ME TO NO END.

They think it's their job to make me so I'm doing something with my life. Now I mention that I'm in college, and have found a way to eventually get to work once I graduate, and they continue to say, I'm doing nothing with my life! I can say I'm in school learning, and will get a job once I'm out, I can say that all I want, but they'll keep saying, I'm doing nothing! Now, for some reason that's frustrating to me!

What part about me being in college, and me knowing how to get to work, what part about that doesn't compute in their minds, to make them think I am DOING SOMETHING? How come I can say, I'm getting an education, and that i'm making an effort, and they equate that to me doing nothing? I think I know the answer!

I'm not doing things THEIR WAY! I'm not doing things in THEIR TIMING! So since I'm not doing things in THEIR WAY, and in THEIR TIMING, I'm not doing anything! Stick with me here, this fits into the whole approval thing.

So you can see the frustration I have. I am doing something, but they're convinced I'm doing nothing. And they find it their job to make sure I'm doing something! Yet I am doing something! UGH..I know the term ..speaking to a brick wall all too well...

Because of my limitations I need to be creative or unconventional to accomplish some stuff. Such as using a wheel chair to go places or do things. Now here is the real kicker. They WANT me to get out and do stuff! Right? Well I got a wheel chair so I could actually go out and do stuff. What do they do in return? You guessed it! They give me crap about needing a wheel chair! So I can either stay home and do nothing, and face crap from them about not getting out. Or I can go out in my chair and face crap about needing a chair.

Now they claim they won't give me crap as long as I make things work! But their record isn't too good:P I use a lawn mower to go to the mail box, which is a quarter mile walk both ways. What do they do? Give me crap about using the lawn mower. UGH...I use a wheel chair to get around in public, I make it work! What do they do? Give me crap! They point out that i could at least try walking further, but after a few feet, I'm really losing my strenght and balance. Of course if I tried harder it would all magically go away..riiiiiiiiiight?:P

The bottom line is if I make things work in a unconventional way, they give me crap for needing to do things that way. But if I just sit around and do nothing, because I need an unconventional way to do it, then I get crap for doing nothing!

I've tried to some how get it through their heads that I have limitations, but nothing works..well maybe not til today. Today I saw my dad. He started givingg me crap about how I'd be normal if I just tried harder...*smirk*....Well my dad wears glasses...(why I haven't thought of this before I don't know) Well I took his glassess off today, and told him to just focus harder. I said if he'd just focus harder he wouldn't need the glasses. And yes, I really did this. Those of you who know me well, probably aren't shocked i did this. Needless to say, his eye sight didn't come back to him no matter how hard he tried. His eyes are limited. I pointed out that his eyes are like my muscles. No matter how hard he tries, they will be limited. He always tries to act like he doesn't get what I'm saying when I make analogies. I finally saw past this. Before I thought he was just stupid and didn't get it. Now I just see he's stubborn. Unfortunately the step mom and sis don't wear glasses. My plan is to call them sometime when their home sick with the flu, and get on their cases about laying around and doing nothing. Of course they will probably act stupid as if they don't get the analogy, that's what they do all the time:P I'm so seeing people are more stubborn than they are stupid.

Ok..so how does this all fit into the issue of approval and getting approval?

Easy! Deep down I want them to approve of me. I will get myselff all worked up, make endless analogies, bang my head against endless brick walls, all so I can have them think well of me, and approve of me! My source of approval is them! And dang it I'll do whatever it takes to get it!

Something doesn't seem right about that. Now I know they are family, and it's always nice to at least have approval of family. It's nice to at least have family think well of us\me. But should my internal hapiness rest on if they approve of me, or think well of me? Of course it shouldn't!

The thing that matters is if I approve of myself. I'm the only one that matters as far as getting approval! If I'm happy with myself, then I should be happy. I shouldn't seek approval outside of myself, I should seek it from within myself. And ultimately I should seek it from GOD.

How much anxiety could be taken away if I simply was seeking approval from God and from myself? Alot of course!

It has taken a muscle disorder to make me realize the things I get approval from. In a way it's a blessing. It would suck to live a life, where I was only happy if others approved or thought well of me....

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