= = = = = HAPPINESS IS LIKE = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

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The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new dance act to a night- club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-38 figure.

"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"

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"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud?" asked the old man. "I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

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A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No," he sighed forlornly. "I left the tickets on it."

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE ......... she thought a quarterback was a refund. she thought General Motors was in the army she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

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Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike"?

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, started to take off her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted".

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Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired?

Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it.

Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence.

As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point, he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court.

Witness: Did you actually see me laugh?

Judge, No, but I heard you.

Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

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A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.

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According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 men would not go to a doctor if they had chest pains. With women, it's different. When women have chest pains, 2 out of 3 men pretend to be doctors." - Jay Leno

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The note my daughter brought home from school outlined plans for her class field trip. "Part of the morning will be spent searching for slugs in the forest," it said. "The children do not need a snack that day."

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>From a company memo notifying employees that passenger-elevator service, air-conditioning, and water would be shut off for repairs: We have been advised to please refrain from using the restrooms during this shutdown. The freight elevator can be used in an emergency.

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I went camping with my fiance' and his two brothers. One brother took charge of map reading and toward evening guided us to a campsite. When we drove up, there was a spectacular view but no campground. "Never mind. There's another site in a few miles," he assured us. At the second spot there were more panoramic views but still no campsite. After two more scenic stops, we finally commandeered the map. It turned out he'd been interpreting the mountain-peak symbols as little tents.

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