= = = = WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

Melba toast excites you.

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

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The Marine

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the BUTT," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the BUTT," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the BUTT. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the BUTT?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal BUTTHEADS call ME the aggressor?"

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During a quick stop off for a photo opportunity at the Apache Nation, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush said he had a plan - as a compassionate conservative -to increase every Native American's income by $137 a year if he were re-elected.

President Bush refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He did tell the Apaches that during his years as Governor of Texas, he had voted Yes for every Indian issue ever introduced in the legislature.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.

After Dubya left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can't fly.

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