= = = = = " HALLMARK CARDS " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Things you won't read on Hallmark cards

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am

INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas,

INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.

INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.

INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:

INSIDE: What the HECk was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.

INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so daRn ugly.

FRONT: love with you is like using drugs:

INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family.

INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating fool.

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,

INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,

INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend...

INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was ==================

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

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If you want to make a woman nervous, just put her in a room with a hundred hats and no mirror.

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This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.

"Congratulations, John," said the boss. "How much did the baby weigh?"

"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.

"Gee, that's kind of small."

"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly. "We've only been married three months."

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Looking for ' true love' is like buying a book on how to read.

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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

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Headlines: Year 2055

1. Florida is finally re-admitted to the union.

2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.

3. Mother Lewinsky dies. Revered hero of Bangkok slums.

4. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.

5. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

6. Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.

7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

8. Pope Phil II settles custody case with ex-wife.

9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

10. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.

11. Authentic year 2000 "CHAD" sells at Sotheby's for 9.6 million.

12. Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

14. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in U.S.A.

15. Chelsea finally graduates, hopes to replace her aging mother in Senate.

16. Black dress & box of cigars stolen from Clinton Library.

17. White minority demands civil rights and reparations.

18. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056

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What does a blonde do when someone says its chili outside? She grabs a bowl.

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Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk of course

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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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