= = = = = THIER FIRST DISHWASHER = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to inspect every new thing that came into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-four minutes of the dishwashing cycle.

Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"

The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the dishwasher was useless.

She decided to look for herself, and there it was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser:

USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER

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Remember When ...

An APPLICATION was for employment. A PROGRAM was a tv show. A CURSOR used profanity. And A KEYBOARD was a piano.....

MEMORY was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. COMPRESS was something that you did with the garbage. And if you UNZIPPED anything in public you would be in jail for a while.....

LOG ON was adding wood to the fire. HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road. A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived. And a BACKUP happened to your commode......

CUT you did with a pocket knife. PASTE you did with glue. A WEB was a spider's home. And a VIRUS was the flu......

A COMPUTER was something on tv from a science fiction show. A WINDOW was something you hated to clean ... And RAM was the cousin of a goat ... MEG was the name of my girlfriend and GIG was was a way of fishing . Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA BYTES.

===============

"College Dictionary"

ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you've mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend." ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves. BIOLOGY: (n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria. BOOK: (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay wake long enough to read the night before finals. BOOKBAG: (n) A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books. CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to wretch"). CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups. CALL: (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart. COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette. CUMLAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude." D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade. DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8a.m. classes. DORMROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people. EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines. EGGHEAD: 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's. 2) (n) That same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab. EXTRA CREDIT: (n) What you wish you had on your credit card. F: (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper. JUNIOR VARSITY: (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch. KAPPA: (n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas. KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen. KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding. LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect. LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered. LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?" LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen. MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you. MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in. MISERY: (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike." NICKNAME: (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster, " "Hankster" or "Georgester." NO: (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test. NUDE MODELS: (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art. OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county. OTHELLO: (n) Unless you're an English major, who really cares?? OUT: (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message. PAPER: (n) Your version of Cliff Notes. POSTER: (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you never have. PRE-LAW: (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales. VICE SQUAD: (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party. VENDING MACHINE : (n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner. VICTOR: (n) Your football team's weekly opponent. VICTORY: (n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell. WEEKEND : (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan. WHIZ KID: (n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think. WINDELLAS: (n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card. WINTER: (n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in. WORK-STUDY: (n) Two things not done by a majority of students. WRISTWATCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which class you're currently late for. X-RAY: (n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they're eaten. XYLEM: (n) We're not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn't you? (Were you asleep that day or what?) YALE: 1) (n) A well-known ivy league university. 2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do. YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by. YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due. YIELD SIGN: (n) Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer. ZEPPELIN: 1) (n) A large blimp. 2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one's underwear. ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered. ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater. ZOOLOGY: (n) The study of animal life (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming").

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