A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room."
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic; that's wonderful!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothing."
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
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Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
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A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have................. only fifty cents!"
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Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
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Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb BUTTHEAD, someone has stolen our tent!"
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Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."
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Did You Know!
Laughing stock is really cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eating right. Staying fit. Die anyway.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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What do you call a Chinese person holding a caulk gun caulkasian
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How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with the sesame seed buns! You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
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