= = = = = MODERN HOSPITAL EQUIPTMENT = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

==============

It's National Ice Cream Month

In 1984, the late President Reagan declared July to be National Ice Cream Month and the third Sunday of the month to be National Ice Cream Day!! So, beat the heat, put the diet on hold, grab a spoon and dig in!!



Some Random Ice Cream Facts!

Did You Know...? The average American eats around 5 1/2 gallons of ice cream a year, more than any other nationality!!

Did You Know...? The most ice cream is sold in America during the month of July!

Did You Know...? The most popular of all the flavors is vanilla! (Followed by chocolate and butter pecan!) And the favorite topping is still chocolate syrup.

Did You Know...? The biggest ice cream sundae ever made was a whopping 12 feet high and was made with 4,667 gallons of ice cream and 7,000 pounds of toppings in Anaheim, CA, during 1985.

==================

One day, a mom was cleaning her son’s room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it, and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?” The dad looked at her and said “Well, I don’t think you should spank him.”

===================

One day a neighbor of the blonde’s go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied with, “I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

===================

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Witchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.

One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.

Then WITCHY came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-- it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Witchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me? Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me.

Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.

Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.

Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!

I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's? I wondered.

Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. LOVE was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause! - What a family...

===================

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Take my sister please

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Sister Sold to Gypsies Film at eleven..

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

My Sister was lonely when she was a child .. We had to tie an American Quarter around her neck to get that little canadian kid Myrdddin to play with her ..

=========================

Walking home from the pub, this guy hears a "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"

"Sure", said the guy, "what are you planning on doing with it?"

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath-tub."

"Why the hell do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING!. I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again..she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her Francis down the road is ill in hospital and she knows that too. Well, tomorrow morning ... she always gets up before me ... and when she to me runs screaming THERE'S A DEAD PIG IN THE BATH!, THERE'S A DEAD PIG IN BATH! ... I'll just turn to her and say Yeah, I know!"

================

Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat the WHOLE BAG!!!

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )