= = = = = ONE - LINERS = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

One-Liners ---------- Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

Actions speak louder than words -- but not so often.

I find it hard to make ends meet - ends like my fingers and toes.

Sign seen in printing department: Forgetfulness on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part. --Lawrence

Ack! There's too much blood in my caffeine stream!

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (G)o Fishing

All good One-Liners are one character too lon

Argue if you must, just remember I'm right!

My doctor said I look like a million bucks, green and wrinkled.

Anyone have a coat hanger? My brain itches.

Aliens have invaded Earth! How else do you explain iMAC?

Avoid diseases not backed by a national foundation.

Are you coming quietly or do I need earplugs?

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's hard to write on a moving planet!

Aviation Rule #1: Number of takeoffs must equal number of landings.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence. --William F. Buckley

Every teenager should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything

Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell

The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep

*grin* It makes "them" wonder!

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My husband decided life would be easer if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey," he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!" I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led to the back of our medicine cabinet.

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The language of the Internet is chock-full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (Laugh Out Loud) and KISS (Keep it Simple, Stupid) have gone mainstream, but new online lingo is always popping up:

AYPI - And Your Point Is?

AWGTHTGTTA? - Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?

BEG - Big Evil Grin

HHO¹/²K - Ha, Ha, Only half-kidding

TYCLO! - Turn Your Caps Lock Off!

===================

I was standing in my backyard when I noticed my neighbor struggling to build a wall around his patio. After putting up some bricks and cementing them together, he stood back to examine his work.

Disappointed, he kicked it down and started over. He must have done this three or four times.

"Hey, Bill," I said finally, "how's it going?"

As he began stacking the bricks once again, Bill murmured, "It's been trowel and error."

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Our pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation.

Seeing them rise, Pastor Michel singled them out for praise. "Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."

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I come from a big family. All of us kids put Mama up on a pedestal. We had to do it to keep Daddy away from her. --Dolly Parton

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I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1940s, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice -- she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks.

The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.

At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.

I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tap e, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway.....I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

And, summer is here.........

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BUMPER STICKERS

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Don'tlaugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.

No radio. Already stolen.

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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it love or golf?'

And she said, "Take a sweater..."

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read

her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and

says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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