= = = = = " ONCE UPON A TIME " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered into a man’s head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. “Hello?” she cried, but no answer. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?” Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: “Hello......... we’re down here..........”

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Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she’d like to buy them, adding, “but only if you can embroider `If you can read this, you´re too close.´ on the back.” So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request. The tailor said, “Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?” Since the saleswoman didn´t know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, “do you want that in block letters or script?” The customer replied, with a smile, “Braille.”

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Once, when my daughter was about three years old, she was kneeling on a bench at the mall, throwing pennies in the pond. An elderly gentleman noticed her, and asked, “Where did you get those pretty blue eyes?” My little one replied, “I don’t know, but I’ve had them a long time.”

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One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang. ”Hello Mr. Clinton,” a heavily accented voice says”. This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!” Well, Paddy,” Bill replies, “This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?” ”At this moment in time,” says Paddy after a moments calculation, “There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!” Bill sighs and says, “I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word” ”OK,” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back. “Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!” ”What equipment would that be, Paddy?” Bill asks. ”Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy’s tractor from the farm” Once more Bill sighs and says, “I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke” ”I’ll be dogged!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Right Mr Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve gotten out old Ted’s cropsrayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!” Once more Bill sighs and says “I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high idwest d ility attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million.” ”Oh cripes,” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back” Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war” “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says Bill. “Why the sudden change of heart?” ”Well,” says Paddy, “We’ve all had a chat and t’be sure, there’s no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners”

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There once was a better place... A place of youth... A place of innocence...

Remember when all problems could be solved by doing Eeny Meeny Mino Mo?

Remember being afraid of Cooties? Think really hard... Go back to a better place... Before the violence, before the drugs... Before the street gangs and the thugs... We weren't concerned about anything... Our biggest fear was a bumble bee sting... Before SEGA or Super Nintendo... When our favorite toy was a G. I. Joe... Superman and Barbies were really big too There was always something fun to do.... When little girls didn't like boys... When they would rather play with their Cabbage Patch Kid Toys...

When we played Hide And Go Seek and Simon Says... When our favorite candy was Pez. Mother May I?, Marco Polo, Red Rover... When any problem could be solved with a "Do Over!" Chocolate milk, school lunch... Kool-aid, Captain Crunch... If you told a lie, you'd eventually admit it... Playing baseball in the field.. "You hit it, you get it!"

No worries, no troubles, no bills, no debts... When we only smoked candy cigarettes... Jaw Breakers, Bubble Gum, & Blowpops... No belly-button rings, just shorts and flip flops... Watching Saturday morning cartoons... When our favorite weapons were water balloons... When we were never worried about our hair... When there was no backing out of a Double-Dog-Dare! Catching lightning bugs and crickets... If you saw an empty can you had to kick it. Jumpin' down the steps, jumpin' on the bed... Climbing trees, standing on your head... Hula Hoops, Pillow fights... Chiggers and mosquito bites... Playin' wiffle ball till you're out of breath... Being tickled to death...

When late at night we would pray For just one more snow day... Drinkin' from the water hose, Trying to get a spoon to stick to your nose... Going to Mamaw's house, watchin' Ole Yeller... Who did it?, the Smeller's the Feller! Bedtime stories, counting sheep... On Christmas Eve you couldn't sleep... At recess they would turn us loose... For hopscotch, dodgeball, and Duck Duck Goose... Monkey bars, swings, and see-saws... Tennis shoes and over-alls. It was a time of simpler things... Like playgrounds and tire swings...

Where are these things that we left behind? They're not really so hard to find.

Youth is nothing more than a state of mind!

Treasure the small wonders of life: The innocence of youth, the beauty of nature, the strength of love, and the power of friendship.

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Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license. Filling out the forms, when she came to the line: "Color of Hair", she put..."L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

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