= = = = = A WICKED SLICE = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, CRAP!"

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains them duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the HEck do they want with a plasterer?"

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"What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What's in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"HeCK man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.

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PARTY AT THE COMMANDANTS QUARTERS...........

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Grey, a crusty old "Field Marine". He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the Mess Officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity".)

Upon becoming Commandant, General Grey was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full Dress Blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "Parade Rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in Dress Blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.

She made a "beeline" for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"

The young Marine snapped to "Attention" and replied, "I don't eat that CRAP Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "Parade Rest". His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of "Attention" (like the arm of a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base as it is tripped). Then he said, "I don't eat that CRAP Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "Parade Rest" he went.

This time there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"

The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was over all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier. She spotted General Grey from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.

The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?"

General Grey cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said, I - don't - eat - that - CRAP - Ma'am!"

The Lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought most of them had, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the color left their faces. General Grey wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the Lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm."

"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the Lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Grey, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, TO HECH WITH 'EM! Don't give him none."

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