= = = = = A FULL MEDICAL CHECK UP = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh oh!" Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?" "No," replied Moishe. "Do you smoke? "No." replied Moishe. "Well then, do you have a sex life?" "Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe. "Well then, Moishe, that's the problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last." Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?" IM 80 YA KNOW !

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"Mollie, my Jake and I stopped at a resort last week. The desk clerk told us that every room was taken and the only thing left was the bridal suite. Jake says to the guy. "Look, we've been married for over fifty years. Why do we need the bridal suite?" So the clerk says to Jake, "If I gave you the ballroom would you have to dance?"

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Mom and Dad went to a restaurant one evening. Dad was about halfway finishing his meal when took a hard look at the potato. He called the waitress and said, "This potato is bad." The waitress picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then said, "If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."

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Momma Bear and Papa Bear were getting their divorce finalized. The only part left was to decide who got custody of baby bear. The judge asked Baby Bear if he wanted to live with mama bear and he said, "No, Momma bear beats me!" The judge asked him if he wanted to live with Papa Bear and he said, "No, he beats me more!" The judge asked him who he wanted to live with and the Baby Bear replied, "The Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody."

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Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question. "Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here" he said to St. Peter. "That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter. "But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!" "Very well Michael. As you wish…look through the gates." He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach. "Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!" Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!" "Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."

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Mickey was complaining to his friend about the problems he was having with his stubborn wife. "She gets me so angry sometimes I.. I.. I could almost hit her!" he exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," his friend replied, "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head, Mickey replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants off, I'm not mad anymore."

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