= = = = = DECIDES TO PLAY TENNIS = = = == WOODEN NICKEL

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".

"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

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My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

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After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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A Tennessee Short Mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened", asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and danged if she didn't tell me to go pEE in a bottle.

Well, I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

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Lessons of failure:

Lord, are you trying to tell me something? For...

Failure does not mean I'm a failure; It only means that I have not yet succeeded.



Failure does not mean I have accomplished nothing; It does mean I have learned something.



Failure does not mean I have been a fool; It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.



Failure does not mean I have disgraced; It does mean I have dared to try.



Failure does not mean I don't have it; It does mean I have something to do in a different way.



Failure does not mean I am inferior; It does mean I am not perfect.



Failure does not mean I have wasted my life; It does mean that I have an excuse to start over.



Failure does not mean that I should give up; It does mean that I should try harder.

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FROM BAD TO WORSE

Now my wife just left and the well went dry, and my horse is sick and about to die. Then my still blew up and the barn burned down, and the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat, and they both died soon after that. Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke, so I can't even sit and read and smoke.

Then a tree fell on the chicken shed, and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead. Then a chimney fire took half of a wall, and this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine, and sat smack dab on a porcupine. Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out, and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place, and my cow disappeared without a trace. They cut off my credit at the grocery store, and I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse, as things keep going from bad to worse. And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack, to top off the worst - my wife's coming back!

There doesn't that make you feel better about what might happen today? Be careful out there it's Monday....

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UPDATE ON CINDERELLA

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "IT is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall IT be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome a young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered......... + + + + + "BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME"

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