Date: 6/14/2004 6:33:00 PM
From Authorid: 33286
hello Devochka, are you ready? this didn't quite track for me, but a lot of that could just be the mood I am in tonight. I will point out a few things though. one is the tenses, in the first verse you start out in the present and then move into past tense, then seem to waffle back and forth a bit in the other verses. ('you've taken' is present and 'you said it was' is past)... in the third verse the word 'worst' should be 'worse'... apart from that and some of the punctuation errors there are only a few things I would change personally, like in the first verse I might say "why can't you give me what is rightfully mine?" instead of the way you have it, but that is just personal preference... I like the kind of dis-jointed quality of this poem, but again, that just may be where my head is at tonight, lol, I will post one and show you what I mean.  |
Date: 6/14/2004 7:58:00 PM
From Authorid: 50678
Interesting Lisa, of course I always like reading your poetry, how have you been, sorry I wasn't on the other night, Jason and I ended up going to Boulder and lost track of time. I'm on MSN right now just so you know.  |
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Date: 6/14/2004 8:00:00 PM
From Authorid: 50678
Hack, sometimes the best writing is made from the mistakes. Not everything has to be perfect, it is the flaws that makes the poem. |
Date: 6/14/2004 8:12:00 PM
From Authorid: 34912
hmmm... the meaning slips me.  |
Date: 6/14/2004 10:24:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 18887
Hi Liz, yeah its ok.  |
Date: 6/14/2004 10:24:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 18887
hello Hack i do see what you mean, and yes it could be changed. also remember that the best work does come from the heart, and shouldnt be changed no matter what. this poem was just the reflection i was feeling at the time, for some reason... and yes i do agree with ya, and thank you for pointing it out, it does help to know mistakes are easily fixable.  |
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Date: 6/15/2004 8:55:00 AM
From Authorid: 34912
The poem still intrigued me or I wouldn't have commented on it. I even came back to read it again here...lol. But I wasn't going to rpetend I understood something I didn't. I think that most of the beauty in poetry is the flow of words and how the impact the reader and for that this poem has kept my attention. The abiguousness of it makes it even more intriguing. |
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Date: 6/15/2004 11:19:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 18887
WOW! hiya Pacific Soul nice to see ya. Thank ya for your wonderful comments, they do mean a lot to me, and tells me that i shouldnt stop writing no matter what |
