Q:Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?
A:Because Noah sat on the deck.
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Shopping List From 1849's California Gold Rush
The following are minimum amounts necessary for an eight day trip in the mountains:
8 lbs potatoes
1 bottle whiskey
1 bottle pepper sauce
1 bottle whiskey
1 box tea
9 lbs onions
2 bottles whiskey
1 ham
11 lbs crackers
1 bottle whiskey
3 dozen sardines
2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)
6 lbs sugar
1 bottle brandy, (4th proof)
7 lbs cheese
2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)
1 bottle pepper
5 gallons whiskey
4 bottles whiskey
1 small keg whiskey
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If spiderwebs are made by spiders, what makes cobwebs -- cobs?
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After they had finished playing around, the cowboy was telling the lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range. "It's the only life for me. In fact, I wanna die with my boots on." As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...you better get 'em on, Slick. That's my husband, the Sheriff."
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Definations:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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Management lessons
Lesson One An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle &asked him, "Can I also sit like you &do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson? BullCRAP might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson? 1) Not everyone who CRAPS on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of CRAP is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep CRAP, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your management course.
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Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your New Year's resolution
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing............. yet.
Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea? A: A very long period. <Grooooaaaaannnnn>
Q. What is the difference between movie theater refreshments and movies at a police stag party? A. One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
There's a new jewelry store in Hollywood whose business has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. It rents wedding rings.
Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Q: What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ? A: A coconut.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend!
Yo momma so bad that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!
Why are blondes lousy at mustering cattle? Because they can't keep their calves together.
Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's? He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s
Woman serving dinner to husband: "It's a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before, and you certainly didn't expect to get it again tonight."
Q. Why do women get their belly buttons pierced? A. Where else would they hang the air freshener.
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"New Rules To Clean Up NYC"
Fake Rolex salesmen Must offer Fake Warranty information
New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 12 minutes
Only 7 Starbucks per block
Getting rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong
Change meaning of middle finger gesture to "lookin' good, neighbor."
Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand him a broom and a pooper scooper.
All drive-by gunmen must carpool on week days.
If Yankees win the World Series again they can clean up the ticker tape themselves.
Forming task force to get Clinton to move to New Jersey.
Selling sex on street corners after 2 AM is now prohibited, unless it's half price.
Women's Rights Groups have won a court action to rename the famous street " Broadway " to " His and Her Way"
Grant's Tomb only had 22 visitors last year, so the city has licensed it to a Kosher Sushi Bar franchise.
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Halloween is Right around the corner.. .
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