= = ARE YOU TUNED IN TO MODERN TECHNOLOGY? = = WOODEN NICKEL

ARE YOU TUNED IN TO MODERN TECHNOLOGY?

Top ten ways to know you are "tuned in" to modern technology:

10 - You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

9 - When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers - then you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

8 - You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression". Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

7 - You no longer say "phone number" and have replaced it with "voice number", since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

6 - You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

5 - You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

4 - You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

3 - You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the touch pad.

2 - You understand all the jokes in this list. And the number 1 way to know that you are tuned into modern technology...

1 - You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

================

Daily Survival Kit To Take With You Everyday

TOOTH-PICK To remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

RUBBER-BAND To remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

BAND-AID To remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

ERASER To remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn from our mistakes.

MINT To remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.

BUBBLE GUM To remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

PENCIL To remind you to list your blessings every day.

TEA BAG To remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.

================

Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee during class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR, E-A-R. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint, and while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke, he passed the pretend joint to little Suzy, and said..."Ear."

==================

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce. "Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny. "Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love." Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?" "Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love." "But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you." "I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?" "Well, sometimes when Mommy is still with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!"

===================

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he Needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pEE!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, But if you had A bigger CHEST, you'd be a TEN!!!"

===================

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

==================

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey! Come over here buddy!"

The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me. Now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the farmer, "Hey old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down old nag you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't believe anything that darn horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

=====================

A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.

=======================

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden.

======================

A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your CHEST IS hanging in the ashtray."

=====================

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. "The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." For all of you with the dirty minds, you should be ashamed !!

Little Johnny.

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )