= = = = LIVING IN FLORIDA = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

April 30th: Florida is fantastic!Just got here and love it already.Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. ++ May 14th: Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. ++ June 5th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. ++ July 1st: The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take awhile, I guess.I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like. ++ July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. ++ July 20th: I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat! ++ July 25th: Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hell!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane. ++ July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? ++ Aug 4th: 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state. ++ Aug 8th: If another jerk say's to me," Is it Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off.DaRn heat.By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!! ++ Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a daRn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.And who came up with the statement "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God forsaken place?? ++ Aug 14th: Welcome to Hades !!! Temperature got to 102 to- day. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln.The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house pay- ment to bail me out of jail. ++ Aug 30th: Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier and drove the daRned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!

==================

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a well dressed woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her. Men also know that the woman will get TICKED off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hay over there.

=====================

Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the BUTT. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people...

Signed, A Menopausal Wife

=====================

USMC Rules for Gunfighting

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life

is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.

14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

And just to be obnoxious:

Navy SEALS Rules For Gun fighting

1. Look very cool in the latest sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Return quickly to looking very cool in latest beach wear.

4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gun fighting

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules For Gun fighting

1. Select a new beret to wear

2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder

3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear



US Air Force Rules For Gun fighting

1. Have a cocktail

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner

3. See what's on HBO

4. Determine "what is a gunfight"

5. Send the Marines

Navy Rules For Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea

2. Drink Coffee

3. Send the Marines

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )