= = = = = AS IS THE TRADITION = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

It's the yahtzeit of Bernie Gold's death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered. But because she hadn't visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie's resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept. He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes, he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold" "That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."

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It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

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It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

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Good Ole' Arkansas Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love them Arkansas Girls!!!!!!!

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Three men of the cloth, a Catholic, a Jew and an Episcopalian were on an airplane trip together. They ran into the worst turbulence in the history of aviation on the whole flight.

When the plane finally landed, a reporter is there and starts interviewing people. The first one is the Catholic and when asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Catholic my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the next man of the cloth and asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Jewish my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the third man of the cloth whose clothes were all messed up, wet streaks down his pants and chunks on his chest. He was asked the same questions and replied, "I'm an Ecopalian".

The reporter says, "Ecopalian, what is an Ecopalian?"

And the man of the cloth said, "That's an Episcopalian with the PEE scared out of him!"

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