= = = = = THE STATES NEWEST MOTTOS = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

THE STATES NEWEST MOTTOS

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

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There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesque theater stayed during showruns.

It took firemen three hours to put the fire out.

Then it took the police three more hours to put the firemen out.

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A drunk walks into a bar full of customers and slurs to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for 76.00.

The drunk says, "I haven’t got it."

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and Slurring as always, says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get violent when you drink."

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My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could:

"The Atlantic Ocean."

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Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decideto go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away,so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped.

.Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.

"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'

Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says,

AH-HA 'Just for that, I'm not going.'

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Q: Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Peace Prize?

A: He was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So he wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.

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"A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."

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Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." Really, Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.

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Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

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"She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon."

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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let my wife be having an affair."

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When I attended a convention once of oilmen, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."

With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson, but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that can out-lie Texas."

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Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism : a non-prophet organization.

Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

Give me some of that old-time Religion! HAIL ZEUS!

In a crisis call for Isis!

Jesus Saves. Passes to Moses. Shoots. HE SCORES!

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, cause that's what He's getting tonight.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you real dumb . Someone has stolen tent."

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