Losing my mind here.. what do I do?

I have been with this man off and on now for almost 8 years. All in all he is a great guy, and I love him dearly. I also know he loves me. Lately, I have been lashing out at him, saying mean things, and have ended things with him several times.

He doesn't even have to do anything, and I will just get so mad for no reason. Sometimes it even makes me sick to talk to him. I have put alot of thought into it, and I think I know what the problem is.

He has a sister that pretty much done him extremely crappy, and ended up with him losing everything he onced owned. She stopped talking to him for MONTHS, never came by to see how he was doing or anything. She has a son that he was very close to, and it hurt him not to be able to see the boy.

So, finally one day she shows up out of the blue.. since then she comes by only when she needs a babysitter or money. He never turns down watching the boy because he loves spending time with him, and he also loans his sister money when she asks. He barely has enough money to feed himself, and often does without.

Well, I got pregnant not too long ago and he suggested that I have an abortion. He thought that this would be the best thing to do, and after weeks of talking about it, I agreed to have it done. Now, don't get me wrong.. I am not blaming this all on him, all in all I had the final say.

In the situation that we were in, it was probably for the best, but we would have also been fine if I were to have had it. Things may have gotten rough, but I think our love could have stood it. Anyways, after the abortion was done, I went weeks having very sad dreams, couldn't sleep for more than 2 hours a night. Cried about all day, and had thoughts of suicide.

I regreted what I did, I blamed not only me, but him also. He didn't want to talk about it, he told me to just let it go and move on. I felt lost and alone. I am still dealing with it today, and it doesn't get any easier. It shouldn't get easier either, I deserve to suffer for what I did.

I never had a problem before with him being the way he was with his nephew, but now I am finding it hard to swallow. I don't hold anything aganist the boy of course, but it makes me sad. Everytime we go to the store, he wants to go to the toy area and buy his nephew something. He treats this child just like it is his.

I can be in a good mood, and as soon as he says something like, "I am going up to see (his nephew) later, and spend time with him," I get all mad and depressed. He had a chance to have a child, but didn't want it. Does he feel that his nephew is more important than the child that I was carrying..

That is how I feel anyways.. I keep pushing him away more and more.. I do not have the heart to ask him to stop being so clingy with the boy, nor would I ask him to stop. I feel that would be wrong and selfish of me. I have done enough wrong already. How can I get over this, and move on like a normal person?

Should I end things for good? It would probably be the best for the both of us. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I hate feeling the way that I do. (cries) I have asked God for forgiveness, but still yet I can't forgive. The problem is with me right? I am being a selfish brat huh?

Any advice would be so much help right now..

** He is also always saying how his nephew looks like him and stuff, he was close to the boy before I even got pregnant.. So, I guess I need to stop being childish and leave things be. **