My Father >>Bageera<<

To put it briefly, I've never really gotten along with my father. We are similar in so many ways, but like what most people face, we can't talk for the shortest time without it getting into a heated argument and not ending until a) my mum breaks it up (which doesn't usually happen - she just stands back and watches), or b) him walking off.

I never have the courage to cut him off half way through sentences, prevent his physical abuse, put in my opinion or walk off.

Tonight I did.

I'm in year 10 at school, meaning that my School Certificate exam is at the end of this year. I try my hardest at school, I honestly do, I study when tests come up, yet somehow it just doesn't stick. I'm in the bottom classes for History and Geography, the bottom of the 3 intermediate Math classes but in advanced English (I've always been good at English, so it was expected).

My dad doesn't have any faith in me, always puts me down about my stupidity, it's impossible to get him to help me with homework and yet somehow expects me to ace everything and have high self esteem?

I get home from school at 3:30pm, and after I have a shower and get everything ready for the next day it's approximately 4:30. From 4:30 to 9:30 (my bed time) I'm being forced to study. No breaks. My dinner is brought into the study so I can continue. This occurs 5 days a week, and weekends are pretty much my days off, but since on Thursday I didn't do anything due to the fact I had drama and had to organise work experience placement, I was forced to study today.

I've been going hardcore with studying for about 9 weeks now - since the start of the school year started. Everything he says to me drives me one step closer to the edge... and honestly... I'm about to break. Perhaps I already have. Sometimes I don't get homework, and I study 30 minutes each subject. 30 minutes is as long as I can handle before my mind starts to wander.

After I finish everything it's about 8:30, so I turn on the computer, check emails, go on chat for a bit, and that happens for about 5 minutes before my dad comes around the corner.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking emails, chatting"

"Why?"

"I finished my study and have no homework"

"Study more"

"I can't"

"Why?"

"I finished my daily study"

"Study it again"

"But I study it again and more tomorrow"

"There's plenty of time for you to muck around and talk to the people on the internet you're NEVER going to meet on the weekend, you're too stupid to not study. Get off the computer. NOW!"

I'm getting brainwashed by this man. All the times I think I get a good result in a subject or I have good news about an academic achievement like an award or a credit/distinction in a school competition, he always manages to switch it around so it seems as if I've done badly.

I brought home a common test for math (which isn't a strong subject of mine) and received 57 out of 70 for it. His response?

"Where's the other 13 marks? Looks like you'll have to study harder until you get 100%"

Today, being Saturday, I got onto the computer grateful that it was a weekend and was free to chat, check emails, post on forums, and have a general good time.

Dad comes into the room and stands right next to me, and asks what I'm doing, then informs me that I have to study all my subjects because I didn't do it on Thursday.

I was groaning because it was 6pm, was forced along to the shops all day, and had a rough night's sleep, and just wanted to unwind by interacting with the online world.

He slaps me across the face, and says "Why do you always have to be told when to study?" I ignored him while bending over to turn off the computer, but he persists. "Well?" He asks.

"I don't know" I say to avoid confrontation.

"I don't know" He mocks, screwing up his face.

For the first time, I (sort of) stand up for myself.

"Don't mock me" I say through clenched teeth, and he moves closer to my face and I can feel him breathing in. Usually I would step away in fear, but I see his hand move to strike me again and I grab onto his wrist before he does, and he screams at me to not touch him.

I was so full of rage that I don't remember all the occurences, but I remember that throughout the entire thing that my mother was standing at the doorway. Just watching.

He brought up incidents from years ago. From the ages of 5. Saying how no one liked me. That I deserve all the bullying I get at school. The cliche stupidity remarks.

After I first lashed out I felt really faint, then all bubbly inside. Possibly due to the fact that I've never fought someone face to face before, especially my own father.

He walked out after about 10 minutes of intense fighting, and I was a wreck. My hands were (and still are) trembling so obviously, my legs felt like jelly and I saw my mum in the reflection of the window, still standing there. I turned to look at her, and she walked off.

This was over 2 hours ago. Before the fight I was starving. Now the thought of food repulses me. My hands are still trembling as badly as they were straight after the fight (the typing is helping it not be as bad), and whenever I yawn I choke, as if I'm still crying.

It's impossible to grieve to people who claim to understand, as they always end up to think that I'm just someone who can't stand up for themselves, and the classic "you'll get over it".

My dad knows of this site. He usually comes on here to check up on my posts and to generally have a look. If he sees this, good for him. It's about time to prove that there IS someone more important than him. Someone with feelings that really does try, someone who tries their hardest to please and impress but always fails miserably. Someone who needs more attention than just "make it better". Someone who just needs to be loved and accepted for themselves.

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