= = = = = " LOVE V / S MARRIAGE " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

1. Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is fish & chips takeaway.

3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.

6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.

7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.

8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"

11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument.

12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket.

13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too long.

14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working.

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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what

would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Kyle and Justin were sitting down to eat their supper with the babysitter when 6 year old Kyle saw the sitter sit down in his daddy's seat. "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Kyle exclaimed. "Daddy's not home," the sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

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Things To Do This Year... Smile more! Listen more intently. Watch a child discover something new. Do something totally silly once in a while! Take responsibility for all your actions. Make room for new friends. Be free with compliments. Encourage someone every day. Tell people you love that you love them. Read for fifteen minutes a day. Call old friends and catch up on their lives. Have a cookout in the middle of winter. Be less critical of others. Volunteer for a good cause. Don't look for someone else to blame when you are unhappy. Learn from your everyday failures. Pray more and worry less! Be quick to forgive others and learn to forgive yourself. Whatever you do, give it your best shot! Don't gossip. Accept help when it's offered. Bury your prejudices. Accept yourself for who you are. Treat yourself to something expensive or fattening occasionally! Learn a new dance. Be generous not only with money but with time. Challenge your body and your brain. Look at the big picture and don't sweat the small stuff! Watch the sunset and realize that just as no two sunsets are alike so are you a unique and beautiful creation! Live your life this year in a way you can look back on it fondly and without regrets and make this the BEST YEAR EVER!

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A scene at City Hall in San Francisco

"Next."

Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects.

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

God in HIs wisdom had a purpose for marriage between a man & a woman-why do we think we can improve on His design? Next thing you know someone will bring in their dog or cat!

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On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "CRIPES, this tastes like pEE", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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Q: Do you know why people keep going to see Lord of The Rings over and over???

A: Because it's Hobbit forming.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?

A: Use a scoop of ice cream, some root beer, and an elephant

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I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge. "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute. "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...

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A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Dis- order. "Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied Bennett. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?" "Elation, sir." "And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."

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"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step." "If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

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