= = = = = ONCE APON A TIME = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs; the straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then, the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.

The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out stepped two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the back of the neck and beat the ever-loving STUFF out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired, killing him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heCK were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from Brooklyn ... the Guinea Pigs."

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A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

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A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The

owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound.

With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains.

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One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What the heCK, " he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

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