= = = = = "How could you tell them apart = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females." "How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie. Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."

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There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving." About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the intercom again and say "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late." Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late arriving at our destination." The blonde turns to the man and says "Man if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

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How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop Tart out of the toaster in one piece.

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Moshe muttered a few words in the synagogue and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced

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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

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Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate?

A: A lamb chop

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

A: They all have phones.

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When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. How was he killed?" asked one detective. With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!" The next one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are ' amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's BUTT and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat; which bounced off the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched" "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't MESS with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"

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