= = = Time To Look for A New Church If = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Time To Look for A New Church If

The church bus has gun racks.

The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

There's an ATM in the lobby.

Choir wears leather robes.

Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

Karaoke Worship Time.

Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

The only song the organist knows is " Macarena ".

Non-Members are required not to pray.

Oreos are used for communion.

The Sisterhood grows their own 'pot luck '.

The church is closed on Christmas.

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The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual.....

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter.... Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-watertank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because "it is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you &, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you &, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your tennaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she wll be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "high," & "ultra high." Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high". This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY

This product is ot without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatified with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!

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Drug addiction is a disease that should be treated with compassion and understanding...unless the addict is a Conservative talk show host.

The United States should be subservient to the United Nations. Our highest authority is not God and the U.S. Constitution, but a collective of tinpot dictators (and their appeasers) and the U.N. charter.

Government should relax drug laws regardless of the potential for abuse, but should pass new and unConstitutional anti-gun laws because of the potential for abuse.

Calls for increased security after a terrorist attack are "political opportunism," but calls for more gun control after a criminal's spree killing is "a logical solution."

"It Takes a Village" means everything you want it to mean...except creeping socialist government involvement in the nuclear family.

Disarming innocent, law-abiding citizens helps protect them from evil, lawless terrorists and other thugs.

Slowly killing an unborn innocent by tearing it apart limb from limb is good. Slowly killing an innocent disabled woman by starving her to death is good. Quickly killing terrorists, convicted murderers and rapists is BAD.

Every religion should be respected and promoted in public schools the name of diversity, so long as that religion isn't Christianity.

The best way to support our troops is to criticize their every move. This will let them know they're thought of often.

Sexual harassment, groping and drug use are degenerate if you're the governor of California, but it's okay if you're the President of the United States.

Sex education should be required so that teens can make informed choices about sex, but gun education should be banned because it will turn those same teens into maniacal mass-murderers.

Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.

Poverty is the cause of all terrorism...which is why the leaders of al Qaeda are typically U.S.-educated and were raised in wealth and luxury.

The Patriot Act is a horrific compromise of Constitutional rights, but anti-Second Amendment laws and Franklin Roosevelt's Presidential Order 9066 must be regarded "reasonable precautions."

We should unquestioningly honor the wishes of our age-old allies, even when said allies no longer act like our allies and have vested economic interests in propping up our enemies.

Socialized medicine is the ideal. Nevermind all those people who spend every dime they have to get to the United States so they can get quality medical care...that their nation's socialized medical community can't provide.

Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and Natalie Maines are perfectly qualified to criticize our leadership, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, and Dennis Miller are just ignorant political hacks.

John Lott's research on how gun ownership reduces crime is junk science, but Michael Bellesiles is still an authority on why gun control is good (even though he was forced to resign from Emory due to research misconduct over his book "Arming America").

Bush's toppling the Saddam regime was a "diversion," but Clinton's lobbing a couple of cruise missiles at Iraq in the thick of the Lewinsky sex scandal was "sending a message."

A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies' intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning Second Amendment rights and shopping the courts for judges sympathetic to causes that wouldn't pass in any legislature.

"The People" in the First Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Fourth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Ninth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Tenth Amendment means The People; but "the People" in the Second Amendment (ratified in 1791) means the National Guard (created by an Act of Congress in 1903).

You support a woman's "right to choose" to kill her unborn child, but don't believe that same woman is competent enough to homeschool the children she bears.

Proven draft-dodging is irrelevant, but baseless claims of AWOL status is crucial to national security.

Threatening to boycott Dr. Laura's and Rush Limbaugh's advertisers is exercising Freedom of Speech, but threatening to boycott CBS's "The Reagans" and Liberal actors over their asinine anti-American remarks is censorship and McCarthyist blacklisting.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Michigan." And they say blondes are dumb...

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Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.

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A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.

The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every culture in Heaven.

Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the Mormons. They like to think that they're the only ones here."

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