= = = = = I CAN'T DECIDE = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

I can't decide...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

====================

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."

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"Actual Excerpts" (Maybe these are real...at least they are funny!)

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

====================

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. "How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is messing around with the Boss."

======================

. It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap.

The clergyman silently sizzled, then said in anguished tones, "Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?"

========================

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."

=======================

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

====================

If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake up.

She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.

===================

The Cure A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new

doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told

him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

=====================

In case you don't know what a hangover is:

A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and you wish you hadn't."

A good cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before instead of the morning after.

The best days not to drink are days that end in the letter, "Y".

But just in case you find yourself with a whopper of a hangover try one of the followig cures....they're all guaranteed to work.

YOODOO VOODOO CURE

Those spun out Haitan voodoo people recommend sticking thirteen black pins in the cork of the offending bottle. Worth a try. Harder with twist tops.

SPIN OUT CURE

When you go to bed at night after a long night of drinking and you have the spins there is a cure...put one foot on the ground and keep one in bed.

WILD WEST HARE DOO CURE

Apparently, in the Wild Wild West, whisky-swilling cowboys swore by a stiff cup of rabbit-poo tea. As if that morning breath wasn't bad enough already.

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Thin Book Chips

22. FRENCH WAR HEROES - By Jacques Chirac

21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY- By Jane Fonda

20 MY BEAUTY SECRETS- By Janet Reno

19 HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE-- By John Denver

18 MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS- By Dan Marino

17 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL CLINTON By Hillary linton

16 MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE- By Osama Bin Laden

15 THINGS I CAN NOT AFFORD- By Bill Gates

14 THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY- By Dennis Rodman

13 MY WILD YEARS- By Al Gore

12 GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC- By Amelia Earhart

11 AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10 DETROIT- A TRAVEL GUIDE

9 A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES- By Dr. Kevorkian

8 EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7 EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6 ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED- By Ellen de Generes

5 GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE- By Mike Tyson

4 SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - By The EPA

3 THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2 MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - By O.J. Simpson

And the number one thinnest Book................

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS By Bill Clinton....With Introduction by... Rev. Jesse Jackson

====================

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

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