= = = "Hey, Did You Hear About The..." = = = WOODEN NICKEL

"Hey, Did You Hear About The..."

Paper company that folded?

Brake company on the skids?

Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Baker who was short of dough?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Corset firm that felt the squeeze?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

The train company that went off the rails?

The ship building company that sunk?

The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

======================

Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain; we live the blues every day just never thought of putting it to music.

=======================

Only from a Jewish Mother

Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?" Mother: "You're going out?" D: "Yes." M: "With whom?" D: "With a friend." M: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man." D: "I didn't leave him. He left me!" M: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies." D: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?" M: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father." D: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't." M: "What are you hinting at?" D: "Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight." M: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?" D: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!" M: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?" D: "He's not a loser." M: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite." D: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?" M: "Poor children with such a mother." D: "Such as what?" M: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you." D: "ENOUGH !!!" M: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!" D: "Now you're worried about the loser?" M: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately." D: "Good-bye, mother." M: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?" D: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!" M: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"

======================

Rachel calls the Jewish Chronicle and asks to place an obituary for her recently deceased husband, "What I want it to say is 'Irving Weiss is dead. It is with great...'."

Before she can finish, she gets interrupted. "Excuse me Madam, but I think that you should know that our charges are $1 a word."

"Oy vey... I see." She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, just put 'Irving Weiss is dead'."

The paper's editor feels bad about the impact their charges have made on her and feels guilty about the way he had phrased it. So to make up for it, he tells her that there is a special offer on at the moment of 7 words for price of 4."

She pauses and reflects again. Then a moment later she says, "In that case put 'Irving Weiss died: his Business For Sale."

===================

When the hallucinatory psychoactive drug LSD was frequently in the newspaper headlines, comic Dave Barry imparted his wit on the issue. "My wife is hooked on LSD: Lox, Salami and Danish!"

===================

Mama Goes Shopping (anyone got a mother or grandmother like this??)

Mama goes shopping and scrutinizes everything. Here is how her shopping went..

Mama: "I don't like the looks of this whitefish."

Merchant: "Lady, for looks you don't buy whitefish; you buy goldfish."

Mama: "Oy, and this chicken, it has a broken leg."

Merchant: "Look lady, you gonna eat it or dance with it?"

Mama: "And before you weigh the meat, take out the bones."

Merchant: "Lady, I buy with bones; you'll buy with bones."

Mama: "I don't pay with bones."

Merchant: "All right, no bones."

Mama: "Thank you, you are a gentleman. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. And never mind the meat. I don't like your meat anyhow."

=====================

Q: What favorite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren over for dinner?

A: Eateateat

====================

Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Polack, Litvack and Gallicianer).

Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat).

SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Newman's Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!)

Let's start, of course, with the "forshpeiz" (appetizer). Gehockteh leiber (chopped liver) with SCHMALTZ is always good, but how about something more exotic for your dear ones, like boiled whitefish in yoyech (soup) which sets into a jelly form, or "gefilteh miltz" (stuffed spleen), in which the veins are removed (thank God), and it is fried in (you guessed it) SCHMALTZ, bread crumbs, eggs, onions, salt and pepper.

Love it! How about stewed lingen (lungs) -- very chewy -- or gehenen (brains) -- very slimy. Am I making your mouth water yet? Then there are grebenes -- pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention.

Another favorite, and I'm sure your children will love it, is pe'tcha (jellied calves' feet). Simply chop up some cows' feet with your hockmesser (handl-chopper), add some meat, onions, lots of garlic, SCHMALTZ again, salt and pepper, cook for five hours and let it sit overnight. You might want to serve it with oat bran and bananas for an interesting breakfast (just joking!).

There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick
We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?"

Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy!

My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet. Try that on the kinderlach (children) tomorrow.

For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), arbiss (chickpeas), lima beans, pietrishkeh, tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha, (groats) kliskelech and marech (marrow bones).

The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten (hockfleish--chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.

Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles) or a glezel tay (glass of hot tea) served in a yahrtzeit (memorial candle) glass and sucked through a sugar cube held between the incisors.

Desserts were probably the only things not made with SCHMALTZ, so we never had any. Momma never learned how to make SCHMALTZ Jell-O.

Well, now you know the secret of how I've grown up to be so tall, sinewy, slim and trim, energetic, extremely clever and modest, and if you want your children to grow up to be like me, you're in gohnsen meshuggah (completely nuts)!

ZEI MIR GEZUNT. (go in good health)... and order out Chinese

====================

JIMMY CARTER in a number of impassioned speeches stated his concern for human rights and stressed the right of Russian Jews to emigrate. He is credited with being the person responsible for the Camp David Accords. Under his administration, the United States voted against Israel in the security council for the first time. Since he has left the white house he has been an intense lobbyist for Palestinian causes.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH in 1985 as Vice President had played a personal role in "Operation Joshua," the airlift which brought 10,000 Jews out of Ethiopia directly to resettlement in Israel. Then, again in 1991, when Bush was President, American help played a critical role in "Operation Solomon", the escape of 14,000 more Ethiopian Jews. Most dramatically, Bush got to the U.N. to revoke its 1975 "Zionism is Racism" resolution. Biased by his Oil Interests, His secretary of State James Baker is recognized as being one of the most Anti-Israel, since the creation of the state in 1948.

BILL CLINTON appointed more Jews to his cabinet than all of the previous presidents put together. Invited Arafat to the White House more than any other foreign leader. Forced Israel to make concessions in Oslo with out any concessions from the PLO.

George W. BUSH is the first president since Herbert Hoover who has no Jews in his cabinet at all. The first president to say terrorism is terrorism...no matter where it comes from..even if it comes from the PLO

AND then I was sent this by unknown6356

George W. BUSH is the first president since Herbert Hoover who has no Jews in his cabinet at all.

After this BLATANT anti-Bush remark, in the sense of fairness, how about mentioning what Israel PM Sharon said about President George W. Bush: He calls him "the GREATEST friend Israel has ever had."

Fairness demands nothing less.

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )