= = = = = Paul McCartney = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Paul McCartney buys Heather a new prosthetic leg and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb. "Is this my main Christmas present," she asks? "No," says Paul. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

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As the hit man stood and looked down at the bloodied street performer laying on the sidewalk he thought, "a mime is a terrible thing to waste."

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Backing away from earlier predictions, the FDA did not approve silicone breast implants. But as a stopgap measure they have approved new cleavage-enlarging contacts for men.

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Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

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I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning, when a sudden tremendous burst of a fart did vibrate out . The expulsion half woke me. But before I could fall back into slumber, my wife reaches for the night stand. She picks up the telephone receiver, and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her. She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing. And then the realization hit me. She had answered my fart.

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There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read:

"Dear God: I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the Money I had until my next pension check. Next week is Thanksgiving, And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are My only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few Dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, Which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Thanksgiving came and went, and a few days later came another letter >From the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter Was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for Me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my Friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving jurks at the Post Office."

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I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned. "I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it.

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Two ladies were sitting at the bridge table, discussing the men they had married. "I swear," said the one woman, "I don't know how I could have done any better. He takes care of the yard, minds the children while I do laundry, and if I'm not feeling good, he'll even do the wash!" The second woman said, "Sounds like you DID get a good husband! Harold and I married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better, and I couldn't have done worse!"

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Signs of Insanity.....

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

M&M's excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia.

Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

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