= = = = = = = WHAT IF ? = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

If we put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the Rat Race, we're a Male Chauvinist Pig. If we stay at home and do the housework, we're a Pansy. If we work too hard, there is never enough time for her and the kids. If we don't work hard enough, we're a good for nothing lay about. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay that is exploitation. If we have a boring repetitive job with low pay, we should get off our butts and find something better. If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is Equal Opportunity. If we mention how good she looks that is sexual harassment. If we keep quiet that is typical male indifference. If we cry, we're a wimp. If we don't, we're are Insensitive . If a man thumps her, that is wife bashing. If she thumps him, that is self-defense. If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without regard for his feelings, then she is a liberated woman. If he asks her do something she doesn't like, that is domination. If she asks him, it is a favour. If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear we're sexual perverts. If we don't notice, we're uncareing. If we like a woman to keep in shape and shave her legs, it is sexist. If we don't care, that is unromantic. If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is vanity. If we don't, we're slobs.

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On a tour of Oregon, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat man, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a "save the whales" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semi-conscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all of Gods wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all of Gods wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Portland and grab another one?"

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A gentile man married an Amish woman. It didn't last. The marriage ended in divorce when the wife testified in court that her husband was driving her buggy!!!!

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

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A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?"

This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."

Well, the little guy goes over and whips the HECK out of the big man and leaves.

Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the HECKout of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla.

Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says

"Who's the baddest man here?"

Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!"

After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender when the guy in the bathroom wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can

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