= = = Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush = = WOODEN NICKEL

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

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Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter kissed me the whole time ." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

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Bill has the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed him a bottle of Rogaine hair-restorer. Bill told her while he was indeed starting to thin out some, he didn't really think he needed hair-restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."

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There For Me You are always there for me, yet you know so little about me. You don't care about my looks. You only like my company, my friendship, and chats. You send me cute notes to cheer me up when I am down.

You send me jokes to make me laugh. You tell me your secrets, and I tell you mine. And we both know the secret is safe. You send me URLs to cute pages, and I send you some back.

You tell me funny stories about your life, and you share your sad times. You send me roses, hugs, and smiles. I cherish every one.

You send me thoughts to help me get through another day. At the end of the day, you are still there to make the day seem so much better. When I need someone to talk to, you are always there for me.

Thank you for being my friend!

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They carry children, they carry hardships and they carry burdens; but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. I know a lady who is so brave, she uses her sense of humor to make the loved ones around her feel better. You know ladies that wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. A lady friend of yours has kept the secret you told them years ago. And she never brought it up again.



Women have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes, they are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They teach Sunday school, they are child care workers. They are executives, attorneys, stay at home moms, biker babes and your neighbors.

They wear suits, jeans and uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They standup against injustice. They are in the front line at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best for family and women's issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools, their friends a chance to be seen, and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, to their congressman and to "the powers that be" for things that make for a better life.



They don't take no for an answer, when they believe there is a better solution. They can wipe a tear, cover a cut and pat you on the back at the same time.

They eat a little so their family can have more. They rush to school to pick up a sick child. They stick a love note in their husband's lunch box. They do without new shoes so that their family can have new books.

They go to church, they go to girl/boy scout meetings, they go to ALANON meetings. They ride the school bus on class trips. They go to the doctors with a frightened friend. They don't make excuses for defending their family or friends. They give a friend some money in a time of trouble. They love unconditionally. They are loyal, honest, and forgiving. They are smart, they know that knowledge IS power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.



Their world consists of goodness, love and caring. They would not let anyone hurt their family or friends. They will be the first in line to sign up for night school, the first in line to swim lessons for their young children, the first in line to get a book signed from their favorite author. Women want to be the best for their family, for their friends and for themselves.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They get teary eyed when others do great things. They save their anger for the unjust and the insincere. They tell people that need to be told to straighten up their act. They lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a voice to make suggestions.



They shout for joy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their heart breaks when a friend dies. They have so much sorrow at the loss of a family member. They are strong, when they think there is not any strength left. They can control situations that seem uncontrollable. They can round up energy when they are tired. They can stay up a little longer to talk to someone that needs a friend. They will rush by your side, when you are lonely. They will give up their favorite TV show to read a bed time story.

A women's touch can cure any aliment. A hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening unforgettable. She can bring out the best in their husband, children and friends. They don't mind standing in the shadows. They are not there to push but to gently encourage. They are cheerleaders, teachers, lovers, and important to your daily lives. They can whisper a kind word, scream a loud cheer and laugh away a fear. Women can sew into your heart, that love helps. They can mend your broken spirit and give you back esteem. They can knit a family back together after a break or loss. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and in shapes. They live in homes, apartments or cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail to show you how much they care about you. They have hearts that forgive and forget an injustice. They have hearts that remember a kindness. They have hearts that beat with loyalty and love. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women can cry and laugh at the same time. They can be sad and hopeful at the same time. They can forgive and encourage at the same time.



Women do more then just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They teach us to dream and make goals. They give compassion and ideals. They climb into a persons life and make everything better again. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Women are leaders, but don't want followers. They want people to grow into the best person they can be. They want to touch you in a way that will make you share your goodness with others. One touch can turn a bad day into a better one. One smile can brighten a sad friend. One extra minute of her time will make a child feel special. One more kiss will make a husband feel loved. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. After God made Adam, He improved by making Eve.



And all I can say is "wow"...

~ YOU ~ are one of these wonderful people we call 'woman', and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you for who you are & what you do!

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

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