= = = = Great lines from job evaluations: = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Great lines from job evaluations: 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 12. A room temperature IQ. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 16. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 17. Bright as Alaska in December. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it. 23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 35. He has reached a personal low previously never believed possible.

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A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!!"

====================

I just received this from my stock broker. Do you hold any of following stocks?

Dear Sir:

We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:

American Can Co Interstate Water Co. National Gas Co. Northern Tissue Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

Yours truly, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Inc.

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Let's have Male & Female Nouns...

It has often been suggested that English should have male and female nouns. Here are a few candidates for consideration as useful male anad female nouns :

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

====================

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

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Bambi, a young blonde sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen!" replies the little boy. His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this. "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

=================



"Y'allbonics"

GOOD SOUTH'NERS WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW ! The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary. HEIDI - (interjection) - Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?" BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !" RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer. FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim." ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !" BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny ?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart ? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf." SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd." VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?" GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

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. Two women were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed a man strut by... shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts.

"He must think," the first woman said, shaking her head, "that he is God's gift to women."

The second one laughed, "I hope he kept the receipt."

=====================

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

======================

I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.

======================

Before I Went To Bed Tonight...



Before I went to bed tonight I just had to let you know, that my love for you is strong and will always continue to grow.



Before I went to bed tonight I thought that you should hear That every moment we spent together, I hold so very dear.



Before I went to bed tonight I had you on my mind. I thought of things you've done for me, Things from a heart so kind.



I hope this letter makes you happy, If only for a while But I'd gladly write a million Just to see you smile!



I know this sounds crazy, Just like I lost my head. But I had to let you know, Before I went to bed.



You never know what might happen tomorrow. You never know if tomorrow will even come, so be sure send this to everyone special in your life because tomorrow might be too late!

======================

A Mother's Journey With Her Daughter When her child is born, God has blessed her with perfect love The child is a daughter Sent from the angels above.

You nurture her and love her with all your might Day and night, day and night You hold her in your arms and gently rock As the hours tick away on the clock.

She learns to walk and talk And play house with her dolls and toys She starts school, gets friends, Has crushes on all the boys.

The teen years come, the panic sets in Your heart beats fast from deep within The attitudes come full boar Rolling eyes, tantrums, and the slamming of the door.

Tempers flare, tears are shed Many a sleepless night are spent in your bed "You're not being fair" is shouted out While she goes to her room to pout.

Then, as you have reached the end of your rope, Your hair has been pulled out, your nerves shot She waltzes in and gives you a hug And hands you the rose she just bought.

You remember your mother telling you The curse heard by all so true "I hope you have a daughter who is just like you," "Just like the one that I do!"

She is a young adult now, the empty nest is here You weep softly, you want to say 'don't go', but don't dare She has to spread her wings and fly like the angels do

As she moves out, in her, you see you.

You remember back to the diaper days When you couldn't wait for her to grow She is on her own now Breaking your heart to see her go.

You ask for guidance and strength As you say your prayers at the end of the day "Did I do a good job Lord" you ask, "Yes," the Lord says, "You've done ok."

=========================

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the daRned lantern was lit!"

====================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

======================

Attorney Gen. John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. He gives the typical empty civics lesson, then asks if the children have any questions. Little Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions: 1. How did George Bush get to be president when Al Gore got more votes? 2. Why are you using the US Patriot Act to undermine our civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings, and the children jump up and run out into the playground for recess. When they're back in the classroom, Ashcroft says, "Sorry the bell cut us short. Does anyone have any questions?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions. 1. How did George Bush get to be president when Al Gore got more votes? 2. Why are you using the US Patriot Act to undermine our civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden? 4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? 5. Where's Bobby?"

====================

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations, to help them relax. One day, he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

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