= = = = GAME SHOW = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son while pregnant with my second child. To kill some time, I began to watch the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came home to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of the TV. "So this is what you do while I'm working?" he said, smirking. "It just happened to be on TV," I lied. The next evening we were watching Bush's inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and waved to reporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy! He won the car!"

====================

12 Things To Do For A Dateless Valentine's Day



1. Wear black, and lots of it.



2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.



3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.



4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).



4. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.



5. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex.



6. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.



7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.



8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.



9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.



10. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair.



11. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good Valentines Day.



12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next Valentine'sDay.

====================

This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing...

This is a cute way to send "the message"! There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there. Now go out and have your mammies grammed!





For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram "O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My BREAST in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless BREAST!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My BREAST getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt.



Mail this to 13 other females. :o) Now, don't break the chain! One female broke the chain, i don't want to have to tell you what happened to her.

OK gals, now that you have had your laugh, remember...

BreastCancer Awareness...

Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Pass the message on to your mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends -- and even your enemies -- because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer!



Now that you had a giggle, share this fun and important message with all the females you know!

======================

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

=======================

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. ' Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.' Six months passed and finally Peter returned. ' Yes, we can do this for you.' The couple replied, ' Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?' To this St Peter answered, ' It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!

=====================

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill. Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders. Then, he picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agent leaned forward and says, "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

======================

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars." Bill and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

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