Broken Heart

Ok I will warn you , this might be a very long post and maybe boring but I would love advice or an input . So, here goes . You might know about Kyle . But since I have no idea who all is reading this I will re-tell my story . I'll start from the beginning . Back in the 8th grade I met Ryan . Ryan was a little on the hyper side . Liked to be dumb and play around . Typical 15 year old male . ( He is now almost 18) . Ever since day one I knew I liked him . I was not sure about having any real feelings for him but I guess you could call this a crush . As time passed and I got to know him more I started to get feelings for him . I told him this and he didn't really care much but I didn't mind . I still liked him a lot . I think that grew into obsession . A few months after I met him I had heard some bad things about Ryan ...about how he tried to rape this girl at my church, but to top this off...they said it took place in the church building ! I did not beleive it . Ryan of all people , common ! Sure the boy was hyper and sure he was a little on the wild side but I was sure he had better sense than to try and force him self on someone , especially in a church building ! The girl who told me the story was the same girl he did this to . She made me promise to her that I would not tell a soul , but I told any how . Ryan called me wanting to know the girls number . He said that he had it at one time but lost it . He wanted to just call her up and say hi . I didn't have her number but I asked him about the whole story that I had been told . I said " Ryan , I promised I would not ever bring this up but I need to know some thing . Did you or did you not try to make Brittany ( the girl ) do some thing she did not want to do ?" He hesitated and then said " No " . So I left it at that . I never got to tell him the rest . To make a long half of a story short , he basically told me he didn't do it , told the youth pastor he didn't do it and then two year later he tells me that in fact , HE DID DO IT ! That hurt so bad . Here I am , 14 years old , thinking I love htis guy and he uses me to get out of trouble ? Was I just a tool ? I being stupid , looked past that because I really wanted to date him . I told me self " Ryan probably didn't realize what he was doing ..he didn't mean it " . And from then on until july of last year I told my self that . Ryan continued to use me to get out of trouble and I let him do it because I THOUGHT I was in love with him . And since I was " in love" with him I lied for him to get him out of trouble . It made me feel like crap but as long as it would benifit him...... I continued to tell my self I was in love with him although I really didn't . I hated him for lying to be . He was never really truthful with me . I guess I felt obligated to love him or help him out of trouble . It was killing me . I was 14 when he started this stuff and almost 16 when he stoped . He didn't love me , yet I thought that if I told him I loved him that it would make him happy . So , thats what I did . I would call him and tell him how much he ment to me ....although deep inside he was dirt . I think I just wanted someone to want me for a change . July of 2003 I decided that his crap had to come to an end . I cought him lying and telling people stories about me that had not even a fraction of truth to them . I had it and I moved on . I told him he needed a life . Then I promised my self to never go to a boy again...HE WOULD HAVE TO COME TO ME . But then I met Kyle . I met Kyle when I was still tripping over Ryan . It was almost a month before I truned 15 . I was not crazy for him because I didn't know him...plus my friend had asked him out already so I was like " ok . Nice to meet you " you know that kind of stuff . Since my friend was dating him I got to talk to him a lot . I would im all the time and to be honest...he did more with me than he did with my friend . They broke up around my birthday and we started talking more ..But I didn't see him " THAT" way if you know what I meen . We always talked about going out some night to go bowling but we didn't do any thing until July of last year . I remember than night perfectly . I picked him up...the ride to the alley was dead scilent . I was thinking " Why did we make plans ? I am goign to die because this kid won't talk to me !" . His cousin came to our rescue though and met us out there...starting a conversation . We bowled three games and then we went and got dinner . I remember the whole time I was saying to my self " Why do all these girls like him ? WHy isn't he with anyone....?" and then by the end of the night I was trying to keep him off my mind . Suddenly..not all boys made me think of Ryan . Not Kyle any how . To shorten this half up..lets just say we went out plenty of times after than but just as FRIENDS . The issue of US did come up and he ( more or less) said our friendship was too good to lose to a relationship . I respected that but I was still sad . Kyle was nothing like Ryan ....NOTHING LIKE HIM AT ALL ! He was quiet , not loud . Smart , not dumb , funny caring , sensitive and just....every girls dream guy . He would ask me every day on the phone how my day had went . He made me very happy . I never had a guy friend like him . Actaully...I never had had a guy friend until him . I didn't push the topic about us very much . I told him how I felt and made it evident that I cared . I didn't become obsessed until I really knew he'd never be mine . For the past couple of months or so I have been really down over him .Basically because I know he won't be mine . It just hurts soo bad thinking about it . I try not to but thats impossible . He is every thing to me and I am nothing to him . I told him that too but he says I am very important to him and he cares for me more than any thing in the world but just not THAT way . I want to cry every time I see him . Thats how bad it hurts . I am 16 now and I have a tiny hint of what love is and it's not what I thought it would be . Just a few days ago I decided to give it one last shot . But htis time I wasn't asking him about dating . I IM'ED him online...shaky hands and sweting palms . I said to him " I need to move on don't I ?" He basically said to do what I wanted ....he was not cocky about it . So by then I just let it all out . I was crying by then . I told him he made me cry all the time and I think I made him feel guilty . He told me he was sorry that he made me so sad . ( THERES THE IMPORTANT STUFF)



The point of this post is that I feel so ...alone . I don't need a boy friend and I could live with out one . But I have had bad experiences with guys . The first I was used by and the second riped my heart out ( not to be mean) . Kyle was being as truthful as I was being with him . He told me how it was . He said he cared for me more than I'd ever know but not in a relationship way . So then...If he cares why am I still crying and thinking about him 24/7 ? And if I didn't really love Ryan...why do I still think of him every once in a while ? I think I made a mistake by telling Kyle all that stuff about me crying and blah blah blah....but I also think he needed to know . Are things going to be the same with Kyle and I ? Or will they fade away ? I don't want that to happen but I can already see my self floating away from him . I saw it today . We didn't talk...we didn't sit next to each other at church and it was just....weird .He said I looked sad . I was but I wasn;t goign to tell HIM that . What should I do ? Should I apologize to him ? And if so can you tell me why I should ???