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If you this was the first line of a story, would it make you want to read the rest? -Agent Q-

  Author:  25756  Category:(Fiction) Created:(1/7/2004 1:59:00 PM)
This post has been Viewed (956 times)

I'm writing a story/short book, and I thought up the first line at about 2:00 in the morning lol, so I was pretty crazy (and yes it's a very long sentance(I actually shortened it a LOT too! lol), but I almost like it that way). What I'd like to know is just what the title is asking. So could you please read this and just give me a simple yes/no answer and a little reason why or why not. Thanks!! It would be a HUGE help. (P.S.-It's going to be a sort of funny/crazy story, but still serious in some parts, just so you know.)

Here it is:

"Drip drop," went the rain into various puddles on the bumpy road outside, "Clip clop," went the horses hooves as they passed by the little cafe on 32nd Street with farmer Brown, and "Flip flop" went Marigold's pancakes as they quickly changed from a bubbling, pasty, white mess into a crisp golden-brown delight, soon to be enjoyed by one of the customers in Captain Cardinal's Cookin' Cafe, downtown Parkersville, New Hampshire."

(P.S.-I made up the town Pakersville, and 32nd Street...I dunno if there really is a place like that in New Hampshire lol!)

Please, tell me what you think! :-D

-Agent Q-

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Halloween is Right around the corner.. .







 
Replies:      
Date: 1/7/2004 2:09:00 PM  From Authorid: 51292    Im not exactly a genius when it comes to things like this, but i liked it lol You were really detailed i could really picture the things you were talking about in my head.. so i think you should consider using this!! good luck with your book!!  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:12:00 PM  From Authorid: 3688    something just doesn't feel right, i feel like you're telling me what it looks like not showing me, it's a good start but it needs to be worked on a bit.  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:15:00 PM  From Authorid: 57232    Didn't care too much for it, the rhyming 'ops'. Unless it's a children's book  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:20:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 25756    LOL, I got 3 completely different responses...I'll have to wait for more replies to see what the general thought is, but seriously thank-you a lot for your feedback, it's really helping me!   
Date: 1/7/2004 2:22:00 PM  From Authorid: 5061    it really didn't grab me,go with Dreamer's advice,good-luck,jeanie/  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:33:00 PM  From Authorid: 53008    awesome! id read more  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:42:00 PM  ( From Author ) From Authorid: 25756    :-D Thankyou for your feedback!! Right now I'm typing up the rest of what I have written down, and when I'm done I think I'll be "in the mood" to re-read my opening sentance and make andy necessary changes (if there's anything I'd want to change). :-D  
Date: 1/7/2004 2:50:00 PM  From Authorid: 13897    i agree with Dreamer and B.Monkey.. and i think the sentence is way too long. i'm overwhelmed with information. there is just way too much to understand all at once.  
Date: 1/17/2004 2:35:00 AM  From Authorid: 51530    here's what dosen't sit well, OK it's raining, is there a better way to convey that than Drip Drop? "A gental rain falls on the crisp New Hampshire morning filling in the cracks of the cobblestone road that has become a the place of commerce on many of days just like this. The clatter of horse hooves echoed as another day in Parksvilles 32nd street begins. A line has already formed infront of Cardinals' Bakery as the odor from their storied cressant rolls fills the street."

Descibe, tell each detail, that's me on your vision, now explain what it is you see.
  

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