= = = TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighborŠ Let no one ever come to you without leaving better or happier. Be the living expression of God¹s kindness; Kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, Kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting. - Mother Teresa

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At Easter time, a little boy went into a drug store and asked for a chocolate rabbit. "But make sure it's a boy chocolate rabbit, not a girl chocolate rabbit", he said. The druggist snapped his fingers, saying "There's not that much difference in the two!" The boy snapped his fingers back, and replied "There's that much more chocolate!"

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At eight o'clock, I said to my wife, 'Let's go out and have a sail.' At a quarter past eight we set out. On the sea the boat capsized. We would have been drowned, but a passing dolphin let us get on his back and brought us safely to land. You laugh! What's so funny??" "That part about your wife being ready at a quarter past eight."

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TO OSAMA AND THE BOYS from an American wife & mother Yo, Osama!

Well, the government finally named you as a suspect, so I guess it's fair to talk about you now. Thought you had us, didn't you? What a laugh! You did more to unify this country than George Washington.

See, we Americans had gotten sort of distracted. We worried about things like lockboxes, taxes, and who was committing hanky panky with whom. We were too stressed to reach out to one another, to sit down and talk with our kids, to call our spouses at work and tell them we loved them. We were MUCH too busy to even think about giving blood or going to the hardware store to buy and hang an American flag.

You changed all that, Osama, you and your gang of creeps. I met my neighbors in the park across the street tonight. We talked quietly while everybody gathered. Then we lit our candles, and just stood there silently, holding them. Without anybody saying anything, we walked back to our neighborhood, and set them on our doorsteps. They are still burning. You will never be able to put them out.

See, Osama? You think you get ticked off when someone messes with your culture, your beliefs, your country? Just wait a minute, you flea bitten, miserable excuse for human DNA! You haven't seen anything like the anger of a MOTHER whose son has to go off to defend their homeland against your cowardice and hatred. You haven't seen anything like the WIFE of a fireman, policeman, or EMT who clings to hope wondering if he'll ever return from trying to help his fellow man in your moment of destruction.

You haven't seen anything like the WOMAN who will keep her family, and her neighbor's family, and her best friend's family, and country's family going when hope and energy falls low. You haven't seen anything like the good OLE GIRL who weeps tears of agony for families she's never known or never will meet, just because she cares.

You think the American MEN are bad? You just better thank your lucky stars that you aren't dealing with one of us American WOMEN right now. Trust me, the men are the ones showing restraint. I have heard the best ideas of just how graphically you need to be disposed of lately in the beauty shop, nail salon, and the grocery store lines.

I've had more meaningful conversations with my teenager this week than in the last couple of years combined. Tonight I was driving her to a friend's house when the voice of Lee Greenwood came over the radio singing, "I'm Proud to Be an American". We were stuck in traffic, and normally we would have been snapping at one another. She started singing along softly with the radio. I joined in. By the second verse, we were singing at the top of our voices, with the windows rolled down. People stuck in traffic on either side of us joined in. By the time we were finally able to move a little, perfect strangers were wiping their eyes, blowing their horns, and shouting good wishes to one another.

I hung an American flag on my house yesterday for the first time in my life. I'd like to get another one, but there are no flags or anything else red, white, or blue left in any store in this town. My daughter and I did find some white and blue ribbon in the sewing box. Tomorrow we're going to make a huge blue-and-white bow and fasten it to the front grille of the car. I called my husband at work today just to tell him I loved him. I hadn't done that for a while - too busy, I guess. It felt wonderful. We are going to send some money to a fund to help the victims. Tonight at the dinner table we talked about the various charities and tried to decide which one was best. Normally we just eat and run. It was the best dinner table conversation we've had in a long time. We finally decided on a fund that's been set up for the children of the rescue workers who were killed in New York City. We'd never given much thought to appreciating all they do for us before now.

My husband and I are on a waiting list to give blood. It'll be awhile before our names come up; there are over 500 people ahead of us. There's been a shortage of blood in this area. I wouldn't be surprised if the blood donated all across this country eventually saves more people than you killed. That would be a fitting memorial to those who died.

We're sticking together. Our politicians are rising to the occasion. Rudy Giuliani and George W. Bush never looked half as statesmanlike as they have this week. Partisan bickering? What's that? Half the Congress stood on the steps of the Capitol the other night and sang "God Bless America".

See, Osama, you underestimated us. And maybe for too long we've been underestimating ourselves. This is the greatest, strongest, richest, most beautiful country in the world. Our firefighters, policemen, EMTs, and people like the ones on the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania have reminded us that we're also the bravest and most determined. You can't destroy us, and you can't stop us. Because we're coming, Osama.

Just thought you oughta know. And, just to show you how good hearted we Americans are, I will end by saying THANK YOU. Not for the lives taken, for which we now mourn, nor for the destruction, but for instilling back into the hearts of every American, young and old, black, white, red, or yellow, what we always knew deep down. We are strong. We are brave. We are ONE NATION, UNITED UNDER GOD. We will overcome this, as we have always overcome those moments that tested our very being.

And, Osama, I say this, all the while asking God to forgive ME, for I do not feel any compassion or have any mercy on your soul, but...may you and all your cowardly friends soon sit happily in those front row seats you have reserved in Hell.

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A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' houses each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't y ou go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try, got in the pickup and went down in the pasture to pick some.

She washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.&n bsp; The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

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