The Deeper Emotion (in Me)................ ………………..LPF

(note before reading: this story was written in about 40 minutes, I’ve never really written anything like this before, the thoughts and feelings just came out like this when I sit here typing this “story” guess I was inspired to write this, in a weird sort of way. Sure this may not be the best written story, as in grammar and all that stuff, please bare with my spelling. I had a feeling like I needed to write this, something deep inside me, feeling like I needed to get these thoughts out, which is kind of weird, because I don’t “appear” to be the type of person to think in this way, anyhow I’ll leave it at that, this story is very personal, again in a weird sort of way. Also this story is kind of long, but If you have the time, then go ahead)

Mike was never readily accepted in any type of crowd, he was always defensive and rejected affection. He wasn’t openly the ‘rebel’, yet appeared to be in some sort, more scared than angry at the world.

When he turned 16, he hated being pushed around, parents, relatives, teachers, all-in-all he hated people. His parents gave-up, and let him run his own life, he barely came home. Living with ‘friends’ his parents learnt to adapt of him being away, not a son anymore, more like a guest in their home. He would come once or twice a week, to shower, change and get money. His parents didn’t know what else to do, he never asked for much, his parents just gave him enough to have a proper meal. He didn’t seem to be suffering, but they just gave up, really couldn’t care-less what he did.

Mike, didn’t ask from much of his ‘parents’ and vice-versa. Mike of course, not being in school, needed some sort of entertainment, he hanged out with a few guys, who worked night-shifts at a pub, they must have been at least 25, but they liked having a ‘kid’ hanging around. They weren’t much trouble, they would just hang around with him, talk, he looked up to them, they respected him and he respected them. He was treated like the little brother, but that didn’t bother him. He was tough on the outside, but deep inside he knew this is not how he wanted things to be, it sort of ‘just ended up that way’.

During the nights, Mike would help out sometimes, by helping closing down the pub, around 2am..then after he would camp over at Dennis’s apartment, they were the closest out of all the guys. Dennis was there when he needed him, being money, or shelter or just his company. Dennis wasn’t a bad guy at all, he didn’t do anything bad, sure he’d get drunk a few times, but that was normal to Mike. Mike started drinking just before he turned 17, after that, he was regularly drinking a few, here and there. Gradually he just stopped going back to his parents home, he didn’t need them anymore. He started working as a bartender in the Pub, he picked up the skills here and there, but a couple months after that, he felt empty, he didn’t want to be bartender, he didn’t want that lifestyle.

Soon enough he went back home, and just abandoned his friends, he didn’t say anything to Dennis, he just never showed up again. Mike, moved back in and got use to living back at home, his parents started to realize that they had a responsibility, they told him they want him to go back to school. His mind and heart wanted to say yes, please…!! But his mouth could only speak out curses, … hatred. That is what started him being so isolated…school, fears, worry. He started drinking more and more regularly, until it became an issue. He would sneak out, stealing money from his parents just to finance his booze.

His parents found out, but they didn’t give up this time, they wanted to help him. His parents, quite religious but quiet, decide to have him join their church’s youth group. Where the pastor in charge, Pastor Lawrence had a reputation for being helpful and understanding in cases such a s Mikes.

Of course, Mike rejected the offer, but he was taken there, he knew he had no choice, but he didn’t want to leave and live on his own again, and he knew he has no other choice, so he just went along. His plan, just to go through the whole “youth group” and…just get it over with.

Mike was now a regular drinker and smoker, his addiction made him needing a smoke at least every few hours. After their first youth meeting, where it was basically a ‘get-to-you’ session, Mike appeared to be an “okay” guy…not really the trouble maker, or rebel sort. But he was quite quiet, as always. The group of about 40+ of them decide to head-out to go and grab a bite, before heading back to the youth hostel, where they were staying for the weekend.

Mike’s initial reaction to the group was as always “what a waste”, all of them, all ‘god-believers’ he hated religion, he never liked the fact that people should follow something. He never also understood why people did so either. But he knew he had nothing else, so just went with the flow, he bluffed his answers just to get the focus away from him.

He quickly ate his meal, and headed out for a smoke giving his “I need to go to the bathroom” excuse. Most of the other kids were still talking and eating, he knew no one would even notice him being gone, he snuck out..walked a bit over near to this back wall. Took out a cig and lighter and lighted it. He sighed as he took the first breathe in, it had been awhile since his last one, so he was really ‘in need’ for one. He didn’t do anything but just stand there looking at the dark sky, and puffing away. He was finishing off his second cig, when Pastor Lawrence tapped him on the shoulder.

Mike, being Mike really didn’t care that he got caught smoking. All he could think “what can he do?” he knew he would get some sort of little lecture about the evil of smoking or something to that extent. However, all P. Lawrence could say was “you done?” in a way Mike didn’t know what to say, then..he shrugged off by saying “ye---ea—h” P. Lawrence replied “ok…well come back in were waiting for you” and that was it…nothing else.

He suddenly felt really warm, as if he was getting a fever, but he knew it was just the feeling of guilt. As they were both walking back, he noticed two girls staring at him. He just ignored it, he was use to people not understanding him. All these thoughts went through his head, but soon enough he realized that P. Lawrence was testing him, he knew he was testing him. He let it go, they returned back to their hostel, where they had a short session, then it was off to hang-out before lights were to go off. So they had about 1 hour to kill before they had to go to bed.

As usual, Mike saw all them, heading to their own little groups, and there he stood alone, he didn’t stay there long, he slowly started walking back to the guy’s dorm, which consisted of about 10 bunk beds, very army style but he didn’t care. He just wanted to get it away from it all. He took of his t-shirt…and lied down in the corner bed, top bed. He just lied there thinking, reflecting of what had happened that day.

Just then, P. Lawrence came in. It was a bit awkward because Mike, knew very well P. Lawrence knew that he had a smoke, and was letting him go through the guilt trip. Mike pretended he didn’t see him come in, and tried to dose off, but he couldn’t. P. Lawrence tapped him on his back to see if he was still awake, of course he was. Mike sat up looking at him, just waiting to get the bullet. But nothing came out…P. Lawrence just stood there, as if HE was waiting for Mike to say something. There was a very awkward silent moment when finally Mike said something. “what do you want from me?” .. Mike was then annoyed and paranoid of what P. Lawrence would do next.

P. Lawrence slowly looked up and said straight to his face in a very honest, yet serious voice “what do YOU want from me?” Mike..a bit frustrated, and P. Lawrence obviously noticing his frustration decided to give in and talk to him.

It wasn’t a long talk, P. Lawrence basically told him that he can whatever he wants as long as it’s right! Sounded a big too cliché to Mike, but he left it at that, and went to sleep.

The next morning was even more awkward, they all had breakfast which consisted of just a simple sandwhich. Then P. Lawrence said that they would have a small session, again, Mike hated it, but yeah nothing else he could do about it. They all sat around this park area, about 10 minutes away from the hostel, where P. Lawrence said it was “confession” time, it wasn’t meant to be a very religious act, more like joking around, be yourself and be comfortable, say something you did wrong. Most of them never took it seriously it was a lot of joking around, but it was all in the fun. Mike didn’t really like the idea of that, and he knew this was another way that P. Lawrence was trying to get to him.

Mike was getting annoyed at the immaturity of some of the kids, yes Mike was 17, but he had lived through much more hell, he grew up, knowing that he may not get a meal the next day, he matured a lot faster then regular guys, and he found it frustrating how people his same age could act like babies.

For some reason that session angered him, his long-term built in anger, towards people, teachers society and life in itself. Everyone else was laughing, lauyghing so hard they were crying, but as they were laughing, Mike’s head was filling with hatred, fears of what he had gone through, when suddenly P. Lawrence said “Mike, what about you?”

There was huge silence, P. Lawrence could tell just by reading his facial expression, that Mike was definitely under stress, emotional stress. Mike just stood there, motionless, but his anger and fear mixed up emotions showed it all in his eyes. When he finally uttered some small words, he started breaking up..and crying. It was then when he just forgot that there 40 other people staring at him, he just stood up, said “my confession? Too much to say as a whole, but where should I start? I’m 17 years old, I’ve done about everything and anything that someone my age shouldn’t have done, I’ve drank, smoked, done drugs, gotten wasted, lived in the streets, starved, been isolated” he stopped halfway, his eye too full of tears, but he kept going..when he stopped, he couldn’t say anymore. Everyone else just stared, also not knowing what to do, so confused at Mike’s outburst. Mike slowly back up and walked away…yelling…cursing….

Pastor Lawrence, wasn’t angered nor shocked, he knew Mike was going to have an outburst like so. He didn’t want it to happen that way, but it did. About 2 minutes after Mike left, P. Lawrence let one of his helpers take charge while he slowly walked over to where Mike was. Mike was sitting there, on a bench..smoking. “I want to help Mike” – that’s all Pastor Lawrence said… he waited at least a good 5 minutes before Mike said anything. Mike was extremely depressed, upset…he didn’t make any eye contact but always looked away, he slowly said “I need help, but I don’t want to go through it”

As if things couldn’t get worse, the CID (Crimminal Investigation Department) came over to the hostel asking where a “Mike Jey Eun” was. Michelle, one of the helpers indicated where P. Lawrence and Mike were. Mike didn’t say anything else after those last words he said to P. Lawrence. The CID came, and asked again for Mike. He knew he was in for it, and surrendered to the CID (or police), Mike was not only a drug abuser, but a drug trafficker. Mike was tracked down after several weeks of investigation from the CID. From that bench, he dropped his cigarette, surrendered with both hands open, as the police stated why he was being charged, and handcuffed up, and they walked up back to the car.

P. Lawrence knew that Mike had problems, but didn’t realize to the extent that Mike was in for. Now he did. After he has a brief overview of mike’s offences from the CID officer, they left…

A few days had passed, where Mike was sentenced to 2 years prison time, living in Asia (Singapore) where prison rules are stricter and more old fashioned. Mike was sentenced to 2 years jail time as well as 10 strokes of the cane. 5 for drug possession and drug abuse and 5 for drug trafficking. He knew if he would have gotten more involved in that business he could’ve gotten a worst sentence, death.

Mike, became overly depressed, starving himself in jail, by not eating. He isolated himself, in an already isolated area. 2 days after his sentence, he had a visitor. He really didn’t know who to expect, he didn’t really expect his parents to want to see his face again, but then it wasn’t his parents. It was Pastor Lawrence. As mike was escorted into the meeting room with both hands and feet cuffed, Mike and P. Lawrence had a brief eye contact moment, where P. Lawrence could see the loss in hope in Mike’s eyes.

It was again one of their awkward silent moment, until P. Lawrence came out and said “I’ve brought you something to read’ as he slid down on the table a small brown book, a bible. Mike just looked at it plainly and slid it back to him, as his chains, which held his hands slid also on the table. Mike said “I don’t need it”. P. Lawrence didn’t say anything he just slid it back halfway and asked “how are you?” Mike didn’t answer but asked why he was there, P. Lawrence answered in very simple words “because I care…Mike.. I want to help you, all I want you to do is accept my help” then there was a huge silence, Mike’s mind was going crazy, mike again didn’t say anything he took the bible got up, and signaled the guard he wanted to leave.

Mike’s day’s were very empty consisted of breakfast, cleaning floors, sports time (where he could excersize) and recreational time (where they could watch TV or play checkers). Mike spent most of his days reading the bible, however very empty.

About 2 weeks after Pastor Lawrence’s first visit, he came again. Mike, having become more settled in, still depressed came into the meeting room, and sat down. They had their usual moment of silence, when this time mike spoke up and said “I accept”, this is where P. Lawrence realized that Mike was ready for him, and helping him emotionally and spiritually overcome this obstacle.

Pastor Lawrence would visit everyday Tuesday and Friday of each week for the next year, over that time, Mike and P. Lawrence grew a different bond that P. Lawrence normally has with the youth he works with. Mike had become spiritually stronger and had accepted God into his life, this is where he realized the wonders of the acceptance of Christ.

Mike had soon enough become less and less depressed, and always looking forward to his meetings with P. Lawrence, he was his one and only visitor, never once has his parents came in to see or talked to him, but he sort of understood why. In was now June, and his first canning session was scheduled for the end of June. This is where reality sinked in, and Mike was starting to grow fear again. People who knew the prisoners were allowed to watch the canning session, if they wanted to. Mike had asked for p. Lawrence to be there, in prayer, he wanted all the spiritual help he could get to help overcome the physical pain.

After his canning session, he couldn’t stand up straight for 2 days, as his back was still bruised, this is why canning session are spread out during their sentence, so as to not cause permanent damage. Mike knew he wasn’t going to be physically permanently damanged, but emotionally he was scarred.

Mike’s sentence was reduced to 16 months, he was released earlier due to good behaviour and conduct.

Mike had a time to reflect, and think about everything and anything. He now belongs in his church’s band, playing the electric guitar, he was readily accepted by the band member and people. They knew about his past, he wasn’t ashamed as he knew it was his past, and that he did do those things, he choose to forget and try to live on, with no fear, to let go, and let god.

The End..

(note: I know this may appear to be unfinished, but this is based on something very personal, which I DO NOT want get into, but yeah…this is the end (for now? Who knows?)

I find appropriate the lyrics from the song called “faint” performed by linkin park. So I’ve added that in, if your interested.

==================== Linkin Park - Faint ====================

I am Little bit of loneliness A little bit of disregard A handful of complaints But I can't help the fact That everyone can see these scars I am What I want you to want What I want you to feel But it's like No matter what I do I can't convince you To just believe this is real So I let go Watching you Turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that i'm not But i'll be here 'Cause you're all I got

I am A little bit insecure A little unconfident 'Cause you don't understand I do what I can But sometimes I don't make sense I am What you never want to say But i've never had a doubt It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you For once just to hear me out So I let go Watching you Turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that i'm not But i'll be here 'Cause you're all I got

I can't feel The way I did before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Time won't heal This damage anymore Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

No Hear me out now You're gonna listen to me Like it or not Right now

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