= = = = = drilling a batch of recruits = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

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As I was dropping my son off at day care the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, Little Johnny piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

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As part of a re-decorating, two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice BODYS," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

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As soon as the shabbos service had ended, little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, "When I grow up, Rabbi, I'm going to give you lots of money." Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, "That's really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?" Benjy replies, "Because my Dad says you're the poorest Rabbi we have ever had!"

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As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos." Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us." They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens." Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough." Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

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Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish woman's version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without water," he replied.

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10 Child Commandments To Parents

1. My hands are small; please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.

2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily.

3. Housework will always be there. I'm only little for a short time, please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world and do so willingly.

4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs. Don't nag me all day long. ( You wouldn't want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness). Treat me as you would like to be treated.

5. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.

6. I need your encouragement to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I'll be prepared to make the kinds of decisions that life requires of me.

8. Please don't do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn't quite measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but please don't try to compare me to my brother or sister.

9. Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it's a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.

10. Please take me to Sunday School and church or synagogue regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

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