Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech,all the men started clapping their hands.......
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Q: What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
A: One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
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Sign on husband's desk: "Things To Do Today: 1) Get organized. 2) Talk to wife. 3) Get reorganized.
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The editor of a small country Newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'. Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".
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There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
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Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that hey were asked to attend a wedding. All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?" Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
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The love of money is the root of all evil, and man NEEDS roots!
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It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
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If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't I more blissful?
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"'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last - memory yields."
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In Foreign Lands, don't ask...
IRELAND "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
POLAND "Do you hire foreigners to TURN in your light-bulbs?"
GERMANY "Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY "Where's the hash at? It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
CHINA "This wall isn't so great."
SWEDEN "Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
INDIA "You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"
CANADA "You're like Americans without money."
SPAIN "So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
SOUTH AFRICA "I liked it better the other way."
GREECE "I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AMERICA "Was John Wayne gay?
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EXPENSE STATEMENT
10/4 Ad for female stenographer 1.00
10/4 Violets for new stenographer 1.50
10/6 Week's salary for flow stenographer 45.00
10,9 Roses for stenographer 5.00
10/IC Candy for wife .90
10/13 Lunch for stenographer 7.00
10/15 Week's salary for stenographer 60.00
'10/16 Movie tickets for wife and self 1.20
10/18 Theatre tickets for steno and self 16.00
10/19 Ice cream sundae for wife .30
10/22 Natalie's salary 75.00
10/23 Champagne and dinner for Natalie end self 32.50
10/25 Doctor for stupid stenographer 375.00
10/26 Mink Stole hr wife 14700.00
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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now Im in deep TROUBLE at home."
"What kind of question?, asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO....'"
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Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain :
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
After this announcement all the passengers re- arranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane..."-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
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One of the most popular machines at the gym is a bizarre-looking contraption designed to strengthen your gluteus maximus. It might seem like a frivolous California vanity thing to you, but it's more practical than you think.
For example, if your spouse hogs all the bed covers, just clench the sheet with your butt muscles and hold on. Your spouse will be grunting and tugging while you appear to be sleeping peacefully, never letting on that there's a struggle going on below the surface.
Or suppose you were kidnapped and your hands and feet were tied, but you were smart enough to wear stretch pants. Your butt, properly trained, can be a fierce fighting machine. With a little practice you can learn to disarm a knife-wielding assailant.
A huge, muscular butt can also make you appear taller when you're seated. That's a big advantage at business meetings. No one will be the wiser until you stand up and butt-slap the overhead projector against the wall when you turn to leave.
My husband started using the butt machine himself, with the ultimate goal of making it easier to hold tools for home repairs. If you have only two hands, and you're already holding a flashlight and a screwdriver, you need at least one more set of opposable cheeks to keep the pliers nearby. As a bonus, He figures it will discourage our neighbor from borrowing his tools.
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Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease.
Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me?
A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow.
Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat?
A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?
Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane.
A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a herd of geese.
Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada?
A. Let's listen to the cows and see..... Eh Mooo eh moo, eh meow
Q. Are there any infected cows in Quebec?
A. Again let's listen.... Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow
Q. Can this disease be sexualy transmitted?
A. Buddy if you ask this question, switch to! sheep.
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