= = = = = One child wrote the following = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays.

One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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GOT BRAINS?

See how many of these you can get right!

1. A butcher in the market is 6' 2" tall. What does he weigh?

2. A farmer has 23 sheep. All but 5 of them die. How many sheep are left?

3. How many birthdays does the average person have?

4. There are 3 apples and you take 2 away. How many apples are you left with?

5. Is there a 4th of July in England?

6. A doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one every half hour. How long will it take you to finish taking all the pills?

7. Seven months have 31 days. How many months have 28?

8. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

9. In Baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?

10. In Idaho, can a man legally marry his widow's sister?

11. Which is heavier... a pound of feathers or a pound of gold?

12. What was the U.S. President's name in 1960?

13. Take the number 40 and divide it by 1/2, then add

15. What do you get?

14. Name the most recent year in which New Year's Day preceded Christmas Day.

15. How many animals of each gender did Moses have on the ark? * * * * * *

1. He weights meats that’s part of his job

2. 5. like we said all but 5 of them die

3. 1 you are only born once

4. 2 you take 2 apples therefore you have 2 apples

5. Yes, it is the day after the 3rd of July

6. One hour, if, for example, you took the 1st pill at 1:00; the second at 1:30, and the last at 2:00; then you have run out of pill after 1 hour

7. 12, all of the months have at least 28 days

8. 12 just like there are twelve eggs in a dozen; a dozen is 12

9. 6, there is a top and bottom to every inning

10. No, the man is dead if he has a widow

11. A pound of feather… An avoirdupois pound, which we weigh most things in including feather, contains 16 avoirdupois ounces, which totals 0.454Kg. Metals and minerals are measured using the Troy system, and one troy pound contains 12 troy ounces, which totals 0.373Kg

12. George W. Bush. As far as we know, he hasn’t changed his name, and had the same name as he does now

13. 95. 40 divided by ½ is 80

14. This year. New year’s day always precedes Christmas day of the same year

15. 0. Moses didn’t have an ark. Noah is the one who had the

How well did you do?

If you got all 15 right, you're a genius!

If you got 11 to 14 right, you're above average.

If you got 7 to 10 right, you're average.

If you got 4 to 6 right, you probably weren't paying very close attention to the questions... Try paying closer attention next time.

If you got 1 to 3 right.... Congratulations for finally figuring out how to start up that computer!

And, good luck figuring out how to shut it off again!

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As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

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Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Redneck Woman: "Fo'." Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George." Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

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