= = = = = lying in bed one night. = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a few seconds, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek. And once again, settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said :"Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

=======================

At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits, the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"

Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied," An airplane at eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."

=========================

And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two in the hotel room. "No thank you." The gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." The fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

=========================

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane does not leave for france till tomorrow afternoon."

===========================

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas!

=======================

BEAUTY OF WOMEN

Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women they'd be too thin to have babies?

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do. Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a 12-14.

One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not perfect!

A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful. Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less. Today women are lovers, mothers, and career women. Who else is able to balance such a load, and do it with a smile?

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the care that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman, with passing years - only grows.

===========================

Justice

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter bomb, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?" Ooooooh!

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )