After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose. "OOPS"
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An FAA inspector goes to check out Santa. They meet, and Santa shows him the fully loaded sleigh. The inspector checks out the equipment, the load balance, etc. "Everything's looking good, Mr. Claus, so it's time we move on to the flight test."
They board the sleigh. "Why are you carrying a shotgun?," asks Santa.
The FAA inspector replies, "In this test, you're going to lose an engine on take off.
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Rules of life:
-Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship - 'I apologize' and 'You are right'.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
- Work is good, but it's not that important.
- And finally....Be nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!!
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, pink, blue, yellow, purple. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life? The old man replied, "Got drunk once and slept with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten dollars bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the items on the hall table, and he took the ten dollars bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "DaRn! Our son is going to be a politician!"
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