= = = ENGAGEMENT RING = TWO MONTHS SALARY = = WOODEN NICKEL

"My fiancee told me the rule of thumb on how much to spend on an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved to Haiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself."

==========================

"I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won't accept the voices in my head as references."

======================

People are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until you drop them in hot water.

======================





"Rainbow Bridge"

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so that they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends there are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to perfect health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again just as we remember them in our dreams of years and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing - they each miss someone very special to them, who had to stay behind when the beloved pet went away.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks up - the bright eyes are intent, the body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, his body flying over the green grass, his legs hurrying faster and faster. You have been spotted - and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The sweet loving kisses rain upon your face, your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your dear pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

=====================

. Inappropriate Gifts for Children... ----------------------------------- (Just in time for Holiday shopping)

The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.

5,200 Pick Up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.

The Laff-O-Minit Spellin' Tootor.

Doggie Dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

Cuisine-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.

=========================

My friend Cindy was walking up Third Avenue in Manhattan, thinking about her impending wedding. Strung across the street in midtown was a large protest banner. When she arrived home, she said to her intended, "There's this giant sign across Third Avenue that says 'Free China,' but they don't tell you where."

==========================

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I picked it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just HOW you do it.

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The Classic "Solomon's Decision" ---------------------------------- Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

.. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

==========================

. Nine ways NOT to start your police report

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...

6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...

8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...

9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

========================

. An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

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. The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's pretty daRn sheepish."

==============================

A young child asked a woman how old she was.

She answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"

=============================

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

=========================

DEAL WITH TELEMARKETERS.....

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/ her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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