= = = in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."

=======================

The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.

After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"

"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."

=====================

New Definitions To Learn

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

=======================

"Ways To Annoy A Rommate At Christmas"

(For Morgan in L. A.)

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say, "You've been very naughty his year. "

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I. E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snow person with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically: "It didn't work!"

13. Whip your roommate screaming: "Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."

14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling, "Bah Humbug!"

15. Wake up every morning screaming, "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"

16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends, "Give it a yank."

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

21. Stand in front of the mirror in your underwear reciting, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over.

22. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up, sing, "He sees you when you're sleeping..."

24. Get a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her, "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

25. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

26. Take some miniature marshamallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem: 'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop: All you get is the snowman's poop!' Or you could have a picture of a reindeer with cocoa puffs for reindeer poop for your roommate.

======================

A Psychiatric Christmas...

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to

Me (and then took it all away).

=======================

~~~Walkn' in A Doggie Wonderland~~~

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY property! Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland.

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