= = = "THE TWELVE 'PAINS' OF CHRISTMAS"= = = WOODEN NICKEL

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Husband (2): Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Inebriated man (3): Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry man (7): The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2: I'm trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Toy-commercial voice (10): "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.........

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George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

George replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting." =========

ONE LITTLE ROSE I would rather have one little rose From the garden of a friend, Than to have the choicest flowers When my stay on earth must end.

I would rather have one pleasant word In Kindness said to me, Than flattery when the heart is still And life has ceased to be.

I would rather have a loving smile From friends I know are true, Than tears shed round my casket When this world I've bid adieu.

Bring me all your flowers today Whether pink, or white, or red; I'd rather have one blossom now Than a truckload when I'm dead!

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25 Ways to Share the Joy This Season

1. Mend a broken relationship with a friend or relative during the holidays.

2. Every night of the Christmas Season, before going to bed, ask yourself, "Whose life did I make brighter today?"

3. Give your toddler the honor of placing the star or angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

4. Try the Swedish custom of writing a short, lighthearted poem on each of your gift cards that half reveals the contents of the present.

5. Take a holiday family photograph each year in the same spot, such as by a favorite tree in your yard. In the years to come, you'll have a wonderful record not only of the growth in your family, but also of the growth of your tree.

6. Tell your children about Christmas when you were their age.

7. Offer to run Christmas errands for an elderly friend or relative.

8. Record a cheerful Christmas greeting for your answering machine.

9. Learn to say "Merry Christmas" in several languages.

10. Remember that Christmas carols never sound better than when you sing them in church.

11. Tip someone who doesn't expect it.

12. End an evening with family and close friends by forming a circle, holding hands, and singing a favorite Christmas carol.

13. Reserve a night for the entire family to make ornaments for your tree.

14. Set aside some time at the beginning of the holiday season to help your children plan their gift-giving lists.

15. On a clear night, find the bright North Star and recall the story of the Wise Men.

16. Open Christmas cards as a family activity each night at the dinner table. Read the messages aloud.

17. Toast your friends when they are in your home. Tell them how much it means to have them there.

18. This Christmas, write letters to several people who have had a positive influence on your life. Thank them for this gift they have given you.

19. Take a decorated miniature tree to someone in a hospital or nursing home.

20. Secretly shovel the snow off of your neighbor's fron walk.

21. Instead of giving gifts at the office, take up a collection to donate to a designated charity.

22. If you have friends who have lost family members since last Christmas, make a special effort to call and cheer them during the holidays.

23. Begin a Christmas journal. Write down memories your family will share: events you attend, presents you give and receive, and the inevitable crises that occur.

24. Don't try to do everything yourself. Remember, even Santa needs helpers.

25. Take time to remember that the greatest holiday gift is a home filled with the people you love.

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A few Christmas thoughts... Have you ever wondered what Christmas characters

do in the off-season?

Does Santa still hang out with Rudolph?

Or does he prefer Frosty?

Do snowmen go on vacation?

Is Santa a lazy bum 11 months out of the year?

Or does he work out all year round

to get in shape for the big day?

Ever wonder how he gets down those chimneys?

Does Rudolph still get picked on because of his nose?

If he does, does he turn the other cheek

or does he retaliate?

Have a Great Holiday Season!

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