Holiday Follies.....SmoknJokes

Pick-up lines from Santa's Elves.



"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."

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A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

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Twas The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox. Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's. To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT.......

YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

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Happy Holidays from the desk of SmoknJoe!!

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