= = = Mommy thinks you're perfect = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.

Father: When was that?

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

===================

Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freaking cat!"

==================

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entert aining. Here are some supposedly "real" examples that have been heard or reported:

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the passengers waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them is on this flight!"

======================

"Earthquake Safety Tips"

Earthquake Safety Tips That Didn't Make The Manual

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

* Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

* To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

* Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

* Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

* For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

* A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake (as long as there is no furniture in the rooms on either side of the doorway). Eat, sleep and work in doorways.

* Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

* In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.

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Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...

If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

==================

Ten Things a Cat Thinks About

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?

5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!

===================

. "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."

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An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Well, why don't you celebrate April first?"

====================

When I arrived at a vacuum cleaner shop, I noticed a sign stating that the business had moved. I drove around looking for the new store, and I came across a large sign: "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

There was the vacuum shop, right next to a gospel bookstore.

==================

In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . "

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"

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