= = = = = "Where's the other party?" = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

The rather broad lady showed up at the theater just before the performance started and handed the usher two tickets. "Where's the other party?" asked the usher.

"Well," said the lady, with a blush, "you see one seat is a little small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they're both really for me."

"Okay with me, lady," the usher replied, scratching his head. "There's just one problem. Your seats are numbers fifty-one and sixty-three."

==========

Once, a young boy asked a wise man, "Why is it that a rose has thorns?" The wise man replied, "I never look at it like that... You see, I always thank God that a thorn has roses."

In the same way, I don't wonder why I received this rose... Instead, I am thankful that I received it so that I can share it with you, my friend...

===============

"Why Men Are Proud of Themselves"

1. We know stuff about tanks.

2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.

3. We can open all our own jars.

4. We can make decisions without a support group.

5. We can leave a motel bed unmade.

6. We can kill our own food.

7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

8. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.

10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.

11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.

12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.

13. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."

15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.

18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.

20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.

22. We don't have to shave below the neck.

23. A few belches are expected and tolerated.

24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife.

26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

=====================

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought The windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

====================

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...

1st year ~ The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year ~ "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year ~ "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year ~ "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

5th year ~ "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year ~ "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year ~ "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

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