= = = = POLITICAL JOKES = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

"Earlier tonight on CBS was the 'Andy Griffith Show' reunion. What a great show, everyone was there - Gomer was there, Goober was there, Barney was there, Opie was there, Otis was there, Floyd was there. Oh wait a minute, those are the Democratic candidates for president." - David Letterman

"John Kerry is on the show tonight. He fired his campaign manager which surprised me cause I thought his hairstylist was the first to go." - Jay Leno

After Kerry rode a motorcycle onto the stage: "If he wins the election, he will be the first president to ride a hog since Bill Clinton." - Jay Leno

"Marine divers have located a Civil War shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean. At first they were confused. When they found this ship with a Confederate flag on it, they thought, 'Oh my God, Howard Dean's yacht has sunk.'" - Jay Leno

"Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had the best hairstyle of a first lady." - Conan O'Brien

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich - he says he is now looking for a wife. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'Hey take mine.'" - David Letterman

"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since. On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." - Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." - David Letterman

"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight - he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." - Jay Leno

"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate, candidates John Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had smoked marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes marijuana." - Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates." - Jay Leno

"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton. I believe this is the first time a general is being advised by a pot-smoking draft dodger." - David Letterman

"According to a new Newsweek poll, after a few days after entering the race, General Wesley Clark is already the Democratic frontrunner, according to the polls if the race were held today Clark and Bush would be a virtual dead heat. In a related story Bush announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending him to Iraq." - Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now." - Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" - Jay Leno

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates running for president." - Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman took a shot at frontrunner Howard Dean. He said Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere. So at least Lieberman will have someone to ride with now." - Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is on the cover of both Time and Newsweek, and presidential candidate John Edwards is on the side of a milk carton." - Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." - Jay Leno

"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the weekend. Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary group. Did you see these guys? President Bush took one look at them and said, 'I might win this one fair-and-square.'" - David Letterman

"The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far the frontrunners for the Democratic nomination are Dick Gephardt, Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean, and Senator Joe Lieberman, or as Bush calls them ace of spades, two of clubs, the king of diamonds." - Jay Leno

"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democratic presidential debate, and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Half way through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium. You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand." - Craig Kilborn

"The Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush, saying he ruined the economy. For instance, Sharpton hasn't been able to find a job in over 46 years." - Craig Kilborn

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." - Craig Kilborn

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running for president - all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before for president in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." - David Letterman

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." - Jay Leno

"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for president. He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of force of habit, the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his glasses." - Jay Leno

"Well folks it's started, the presidential race. Democratic Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal injury attorney, has announced he is running for president in 2004. Good slogan too, 'Elect me and there will be one less lawyer.'" - Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the controversy surrounding the Joe Lieberman campaign? Turns out years ago he may have experimented with charisma." - Craig Kilborn

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today. Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." - Jay Leno

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again. Now if you don't remember Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." - Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida, saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car, jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived. In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people. He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." - Jay Leno

"The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the site of their 2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in September. This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face mathematical elimination together." - Jay Leno

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