= = = = Kids in Mrs. Thompson's class = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Kids in Mrs. Thompson's class were asked to make sentences out of words chosen by the teacher.

Mrs. Thompson smiled when Mikey, a young-slacker, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence of the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Mikey stood up, thinking for a while, and all the other kids focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Proudly, he smiled and then shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

====================

Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.

Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.

Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"

The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.

Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.

The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"

Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"

"Sir?"

"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

======================

Stanley and his fiancée Georgette were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days. They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.

"Pastor," said Georgette, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."

"Yes, Georgette," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"

"Well," said Georgette, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' "

====================

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course.

He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said "I really don't need a handicap.

The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well.

Coming into the par three 18th they were even.

The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole.

Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned.

"Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do, replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

=====================

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

==================

A couple is lying in bed.. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

===================

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

=====================

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

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