How often have we heard our kids say "I hate you"...to one another, and you????.....Zema

This article is from a Psychologist with over 20yrs experience....and might just help someone out there who may have this problem...

The argument followed a well-worn path. "I'm sick to death of you hitting your sister, Matthew. Go to your room. There's no TV for you," yelled Jennifer at her nine-year-old son. "It's not fair, you're always sticking up for her," he yelled back. " I hate you both."

Matthew might not really hate his mum and sister, but sibling conflicts can be a major source of stress in families. Most parents expect their kids to fight now and then. Some conflict is perfectly normal and can actually strengthen the children's ability to deal with conflicts later on in life.

Yet some siblings go beyond everyday tiffs. They simply don't like each other and love making life difficult for each other.

Before parents look for reasons why, it pays to look at whether the parents are actually fuelling this dislike through favouritism. It's difficult to treat children absolutely equally. Sometimes a parent feels more connected with one of their children. Very frequently, the child they're closer to is the one that they perceive to be more like themselves.

So if Dad loves footy and his son is a great football player, he'll tend to lavish more attention and approval on his son than his daughter. Meanwhile, she watches from the sidelines and feels less important.

It is therefore no surprise that the son will grow up feeling more powerful and that his sister will resent this. It's also no surprise to discover that this brother and sister will be more likely to fight.

Parents can also fuel sibling rivalry by making comparisons and effectively putting their children in competition with each other. Comments such as : "Why aren't you as sensible as your sister?" or "Your brother put in twice as much effort as you did" might be said out of a desire to motivate, but can have the unintended effect of leading to resentment from one child towards the other.

DEALING WITH THE CONFLICTS:

Sibling conflict is normal and can help children learn how to handle conflicts and manage their emotions.

Ask yourself: Do I favour one child over the other? Do I make comparisons? Do I encourage them to compete with each other?

Be fair: Everyone has different talents and we may naturally be more connected with one child than another. But we must put every effort into being fair with our time, emotions and finances.

Know when to step in: Let them go for a while, but step in if it becomes physically or emotionally damaging. Be alert to differences in power, such as an older or physically stronger child intimidating a younger or weaker child.

Look for ways to support their relationship with each other. Encourage one to do something kind for the other and involve both in fun things.

FOOTNOTE; I have seen the situation where one son was favoured more than the other and I found it hard to believe that the parents did not know what they were doing...they actually forced the other son into a shell and he became so withdrawn and now does not mix socially with anyone....its sad....



Luv and Peace....Zema

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